Being Outed at 65

I moved to another part of the country from where I had been living a number of years ago after a difficult breakup with my partner of 15 years. When I arrived at my new home I knew no one. So, I made the conscious choice not to share anything of my past with anyone. No one knew I was a psychotherapist, a musician, a maskmaker an artist, a Ph.D. They did know I was a lesbian. They did know I had 3 Tibetan Spaniels and they knew I lived with a dog breeder/judge. 

This choice for privacy was a good one as it let me heal and recover from the trauma I had experienced. It allowed me the luxury of letting my healing to be an inner process. I did not have to explain or share my process outside of myself at all. This encouraged me to move from a challenging psychological process to a spiritual one. It was a good decision.

When I moved to Colorado 4 years ago I was re-united with friends from when I had lived here from '78 to '90. These friends knew everything about me and had kept in touch through the 20 plus years I had been gone. We continued our friendship where we had left off and I loved every minute of it. I had an instant support system. 

I also began making new friends. Only one, a lesbian herself, knew about my being a lesbian. All the others were met in different contexts and my lesbian identity never seemed to be a factor. I  am comfortable being a lesbian. In fact, I love the fact that I love woman. But, I also love being a grandmother, an Elder, a writer, a musician, a maskmaker, a mother, a sister, a friend. So after spending eight years prior to Colorado not sharing--it did not seem odd to keep my own council about my being a lesbian.

Last weekend I had a party for my 65th birthday. I invited a circle of 12 women--some my long-term friends and others new ones. I had requested that each come with a story. It seemed important to hear aspects and things from different parts of my life. 

The first one to tell their story was my lesbian friend. She started out telling about how we had met and how excited she was when she found out I was a lesbian. Oops! Oh no, I thought! I wondered how my new friends would feel not knowing such a big part of my life? How could I be friends with them and omit being a lesbian?

After I had time to reflect I realized several things. One is that I feel I have learned to set boundaries with my personal life. Not revealing everything is how you create privacy. That seems like a good thing. Another thing I became aware of is that at my age I am not as invested in being identified as a lesbian or any one thing. I am comfortable if people know or not. So far, no one has batted an eye...

Relationship Ends

When a relationship ends, the grieving process happens no matter what the circumstances of the breakup are. The feelings of loss are present regardless of how the relationship ended. Endings and change bring loss and loss brings grief.

Some of us are extremely uncomfortable with these feelings. Everyone has moments when they don't want to deal with them. It is important to let ourselves experience all the feelings that come up or they will more than likely accumulate and cling onto other feelings of loss that we've had in the past that still linger in our psyches.

One of the main feelings of loss of a relationship is hurt. So many of us have had our feelings hurt as children and as adults. Sometimes it is difficult to know where the hurt is coming from. Is it the past or does it have to do with the current situation? Hurt is a normal feeling of loss that the heart experiences when change happens.

When we are in a relationship, no matter what the quality of that relationship is, our hearts open up to the other person. Intimacy, trust, and love all make us vulnerable to ourselves and the other person. When that person is no longer there, we are left feeling even more vulnerable.

If the feelings are not felt, they can turn into anger. This kind of anger is a protection from all the vulnerability that we don't know how to deal with. This can lead to all kinds of projection on the other person. One of the symptoms of protective anger is blame. Another is changing the past to reflect only negative things. Another is to hang onto little annoyances and make them big. All of these activities of the mind help protect us from feeling loss.

Another common way to avoid feelings of grief is to get immediately involved in another relationship. In this scenario, we don't have to feel the uncomfortable feelings because we are attaching to someone else. Falling in love is a lot more exciting than healing from the relationship we have just disassembled.

Feeling loss can bring with it the experience of helplessness and of being alone and not in control. It can make us feel little, like a child. It is important when these feelings come up to remember the choices we have made or that we have now. This will remind us of our strength.

We can feel all the feelings and still stay empowered in the present. This requires us to steadily allow and monitor all the feelings that come up for us. Sometimes the mind will try to distort the hurt feelings of grief to cover up the feelings of sadness. It is important the not let our minds run the show.

Ending a relationship is difficult no matter whether you are the one who left or the one who was left. It is difficult to understand the meaning of why it happened until much later. Initially though, we can expect grief. How we deal with it is what matters.

Difficulities With Abuse Within The Lesbian Community

Lesbian domestic violence victims often experience a sense of frustration and betrayal at the response of other lesbians to their difficult situation. It is relatively easy for many lesbians to spot male victimization of women, and to see the need for women to leave those situations in which they are being abused by men. It is far more difficult for lesbians to sort out our victimization of each other.

Ironically, lesbians may be more tempted to blame other lesbians than they are to blame heterosexual women for victimization experiences. Lesbians may feel loyalty or identification toward another lesbian who behaves abusively that they would ever feel toward a male batterer.

It may be difficult for lesbians to understand that a woman would "allow" herself to be battered by someone physically smaller. Paradoxically, lesbians may buy into the sexist stereotype that somehow women aren't big enough or strong enough to do each other damage. It is hard for lesbians, especially lesbian feminists, to acknowledge that other lesbians are capable of being cruel, violent, and brutal. When friends or acquaintances do recognize that violence exists in a relationship, they may experience conflicting loyalties.

In a breakup, it is not uncommon for the batterer to "get custody of the friends" when the victim has retreated into depression, fearfulness, vulnerability, and isolation. As she doesn't feel safe in any situation in which she may encounter her abuser, she avoids social or community gatherings that might include her former partner. Ironically, by not taking sides, mutual friends may nevertheless create a climate in which they are primarily available to the batterer.

Within some segments of the lesbian community, an especially insidious sort of victim blaming occurs: battered lesbians are labeled 'co-dependent," "co-alcoholic," or just chronic "victims' who are 'as sick as the batterer." Such labeling ignores a premise that is fundamental to the foundation of the battered women's movement: no one deserves to be battered. By labeling the battered lesbian as "co-dependent," or as "such a victim" the fact that the batterer alone makes the choice to behave abusively is overlooked.