BEST-KEPT SECRET

“Thus far, women have been the mere echoes of men. Our laws and constitutions, our creeds and codes, and the customs of social life are all of masculine origin. The true woman is as yet a dream of the future." --Elizabeth Cady Stanton 1848

Women in many cultures have experienced treatment that is oppressive and wounding. For centuries the abuse of women has been so insidious that it has gone on without question. To this day, attitudes and behaviors that devalue women around the world continue to find their way into societies, cultures, religions, morals, politics and other occurrences concerning gender inequalities and equal rights for women.

This oppression, which seems to be perpetuated in our unconscious, unknowing, or collectively accepted beliefs dominate the way we experience ourselves and the world. Any violation of a woman’s self, whether the violation is emotional, psychic, spiritual or physical and regardless of who or what the agent of the violation is constitutes abuse.

Many of us have been sexually, emotionally or physically abused as children and adults. Astonishing numbers of women have found themselves in abusive relationships, sexual jeopardy, or being minimized or harassed. Women can easily name times they have been treated with disrespect, weak or “less than”. Why then, do we collude with the abuse of women? It seems to be civilizations best-kept secret.

The abuse that arises from the collectives' perspective of women can be covert or overt. One woman might be battered or raped while another controlled by not being allowed to manage their own money, time, or friendships. Why do we not recognize the truth of these situations? In our silence, we agree to keep the secret.

There have been women in our history have paved the way for breaking the silence. They found the courage to stand up to the ways women were more intellectually limited, culturally deprived, socially dis-empowered, geographically restricted and economically dependent than men. Through their efforts, the veil began to lift.

Their dedication to changing the pattern of women's oppression influenced aspects of society from culture to law. They addressed women’s right of contract and property, women’s right to bodily integrity, autonomy of choice regarding reproductive rights such as abortion and contraception, protection from domestic violence, sexual harassment and rape, workplace rights including maternity leave and equal pay, and infringements against other forms of discrimination.

Some believe the movement to stop the discrimination of women occurred in three waves of feminism. The first wave of women fighting for these rights was in the nineteenth and early twentieth centuries. At first they focused on absolute rights such as, equal rights of contract and property and opposition to ownership of women and their children by husbands. By the end of the nineteenth century the feminist focus was on gaining political power. Issues in the forefront were women’s suffrage and active campaigning for women’s sexual, reproductive and economic rights.

In the United States, leaders of this movement included Elizabeth Cady Stanton and Susan B. Anthony, who each campaigned for the abolition of slavery prior to championing women’s right to vote. Their leadership ignited many other women to become involved in this movement. This first wave of feminism in the United States is considered to have ended with the passage of the Nineteenth Amendment to the United States Constitution granting women the right to vote August 26, 1920 .

The second wave of feminism was in the 1960’s and 1970’s. Women saw cultural and political inequalities as linked. They were encouraged to acknowledge aspects of their own personal lives as deeply politicized and reflective of a sexist structure of power. Their primary concerns were issues of inequality and the end of the discrimination of women. The ways women had been living became unacceptable and with a burst of collective awareness, things began to change.

The new wave of feminism that began in the ‘60s was very threatening to the old system. Despite this, women in large numbers banned together to heal their wounds, fight for their rights, and create lives for themselves that did not collude with abuse.

Women came together to collectively address their needs. They formed self-help groups, consciousness rising groups, book groups, and professional and associational support groups. Safe houses and rape crises hot lines gave many women places to find their voices and finally receive support from the horrific abuse that was previously not even believed. Events that promoted women’s culture, historical archives, and introducing women’s studies within education were other ways women came together to further their stand.

Women’s literature and other media as well as feminist literary criticism spoke up about abuse and the discrimination of women. In these works women’s personal stories of abuse and male domination were told. Women from the first wave had also spoken in their way anonymously, but contemporary women began an visible, honest, and prolific portrayal.

This movement began to reap the rewards of allowing women to search to know themselves, heal themselves, claim their inheritances and live fully in the world. Women's tremendous courage during this wave cracked open the silence that had shrouded abuse for generations.

The third wave of feminism began in the early 1990’s and continues today. This movement deals with a response to the perceived failures of the second wave. Issues of race and cultural discrimination are primary concerns. A post-structuralist interpretation of gender and sexuality is central to this wave. There is also a growing awareness of the differences between the sexes, which has led to further advances and changes in our thinking.

Women from many disciplines have contributed to the Women’s Movements. Feminist historians have followed the inequities and basis of discrimination of abuse within patriarchal societies. Feminist social scientists have exposed the ways sociocultural abuse works and its consequences among different groups within society.

Feminist psychologists have found ways that individual women have been wounded by society. Their work has pointed out that gender inequality comes from early childhood experiences. They have also addressed beliefs about stereotyping men to be masculine and women as feminine and how this has translated into men being seen and treated as powerful and women weak. This gender viewpoint has led to a social system dominated by males which has strongly influenced our psycho-sexual development. Feminist psychologists have shifted the emphasis from sexual difference to gender and this has greatly influenced feminist theory and psychology.

Feminist theologians have sought for a way for women to live a fulfilling spiritual life. Religion has perpetuated the abuse of women by separating them from their most sacred beliefs. The dominance of men and submission of women and children extends to the worship of male deities. This discrimination has gone so far as to exclude women from participating as leaders in the Church. Women’s connection to spirit has been cast apart, which has furthered a break with their relationship this central aspect of their lives.

Feminist literary theory before the 1970’s was concerned with the politics of women’s authorship and the representation of women’s condition within literature. Since the arrival of more complex conceptions of gender and subjectivity, feminist literary criticism has taken a variety of new routes.

As women have told their truth and stories, the world has not been the same. We have come to understand the lies we were being told about our lives, our families and our society. Our abusers turned out to be the very people and institutions that were supposed to have had our best interests at heart and protect us.

Telling the truth about our victimization and being aware of our collusion with it is empowering us. Stopping the isolation and realizing that others share our abuse is expanding and changing our perceptions and opening up possibilities for further healing. As we recognize this shared experience we are able to face the ways we have internalized our own oppression.

Our subordinate, sexually stereotyped role in society is slowly changing. The abusive atrocities women around the world are suffering is being brought into our collective awareness. In order to continue the work of the many women who have pioneered our rights before us, we must diligently pay attention and keep conscious of the many messages and behaviors of the discrimination of women that are still present in our world today. We must stay awake and break the silence about civilizations best- kept secret.

TRANSFORMING THE HOLIDAYS

When I think of Christmas, the first picture that comes into my mind is a candlelight church service when I was 5 years old. My mother is playing the organ. She is seated in the front of the church in an elevated position at the center of everything. I am trying my best to sit still with the other angels in the front pew so as not to knock off my halo. My sister has the serious look of a child with too much responsibility as she watches over the plastic baby Jesus. My brother saunters aimlessly down the aisle carrying one of the gifts of the Wise Men, with pubescent disinterest. His size 13 tennis shoes and white socks stick out from underneath his burgundy choir robe. My dad is sitting way in the back of the church and when the singing stops, to my mother’s horror, everyone hears him snoring.

I was always confused but curious about my mother’s sense of atonement to her Protestant Mid-Western church. For example, why did she play the organ every Sunday for over 30 years without missing even once? As a child, I wasn’t aware that the beliefs being passed down from the church were having such a strong influence in shaping my consciousness and life. What, you may ask, does a budding young feminist lesbian, growing up in a small rural farming community in the center of the country glean out of her early Christian indoctrination?

First and foremost, I learned to sacrifice myself. (My mother exemplified this virtue to the highest.) The more I made others happy and gave myself up, the better I was liked. Taking care of myself was considered selfish. The important thing was what others thought and needed. Many models showed me time and again how the less I knew about my feelings, the better I could tune into others’ needs.

This led to the next lesson: the necessity of being “nice”. Being nice was a requirement for girls and women. Boys and men appeared to have an entirely different value system and set of behaviors they seemed to follow. With my feelings squelched and my needs buried, I gave in and lived as a chameleon.

When I paid total attention to others, I received high praise. I began to believe that I could actually anticipate people’s needs before they knew they had them. I thought I could even read their minds. I became skilled at the fine art of being aware of everything that was going on with other people. On the one hand, the more I sacrificed myself, the more praise I received. This gave me the illusion of having power and worth. On the other hand, by giving myself up, my self-esteem did not develop identity, power, or worth.

I learned the seriousness of never telling anyone anything my family. This necessity of secrets created a gigantic chasm between my unknown inner life and the extreme focus on the external I was being taught. I knew from an early age that my belonging or being forever rejected by my family demanded meticulous diligence. The only outcome I could imagine if I wasn’t perfect with these expectations would be that my family or I would probably die. I could not take that risk.

The world felt too confining and oppressive for my young spirit. Rules, shame, guilt and belittling were the foundation of my life. I did not resonate with the teachings that had evolved from the religious doctrine that had become a way of life for my family and the community we lived in. They had been handed down from generation to generation without question. I became increasingly aware of how this way of living distanced people from themselves, each other and me. I was being weighed down by the burden of all this, believed I had no worth, felt belittled as a female and overpowered as a child.

Like most little Christian children, I associated Christmas with Santa Clause and getting presents. I made no connections with the birth of Jesus or even church as having any bearing on my holiday. I totally missed the essence this annual ritual had within the life of the church.

I was 5 years old and it was Christmas Eve. I was anxiously anticipating going to my aunt and uncle’s house for candy, presents and Santa. Everyone was getting ready to go to church. I did not want to go to church and try to sit still and keep my wings and halo intact. I didn’t want to put on a dress. The only thing that got me out of the house was being allowed to wear my red cowboy boots. “Why do we have to go to church tonight?” I asked. “For your mother”, my father replied, “We’ll go and have Christmas as soon as church is over.”

That night I had a full-blown experience of the shallowness and lie of Christmas. We finally got to my aunt’s house. I remember being upset after awhile when my father disappeared. I could tell many of the adults and older kids thought my distress was cute and funny. When Santa knocked on the door and came in wearing my father’s glasses, I was not fooled. I felt as though I had been punched in the stomach. I vividly remember this incident as the first time in my life I felt I had been lied to, betrayed and abandoned. I would not accept the present he offered me. I lost my Faith that night.

After that, I never trusted my family or the church again. Of course, I had to go through the motions in order to survive. My questions and doubts, that had no place in their world, became part of my secret inner life. In my sacred inner universe there was enormous potential for bigger beliefs, truth, total acceptance and unconditional love. So, at an early age I became a seeker. In hindsight, I am glad the unbearable tension existed because it makes me grateful now that I had enough tenacity and courage to walk away on my own path.

I was determined to sort out my own beliefs. I had no idea how long it would take me to dig deep enough to readjust the very dirt around the roots of those foundational beliefs, but my commitment was passionate and pure. After many years of searching, I realized that the majority of what I learned in my youth, including my choices, perceptions, values, and my ability to protect and take care of myself, were all distorted. This ingrained way of thinking had, in fact, created the unhealthy patterns that caused me the most difficult and pain in my adult life while challenging, testing and helping me grow.

It is no wonder that people feel so much stress around the holidays. Do we have to leave our healthy selves at home and act like our families think we should? Do we have to spend our holidays separated from our partners because of our families' unresolved feelings and judgmental attitudes? Do we have to lose our voices, ignore our feelings, have no needs, or pretend we are not ourselves?

I face the upcoming holiday with dragging feet. I feel it would be impossible for me now to re-create the outdated, unhealthy rituals from my childhood. I want to celebrate humanity and all the spiritual beliefs in the world. I want to joyously love with an open heart. I long to be with people who see, appreciate and enjoy me for who I am. I want to be with my partner, feeling relaxed and safe, knowing without a doubt we are not in an environment where people are pretending to accept and respect our relationship.

I want to take a walk in the snow, really experiencing the Spirit of the season. In the silence, when the moon reflects on the sparkling snow, in my lover’s smile, I need to be able to connect my inner essence with all that is. I want to forget everything I ever learned and abandon myself to the profound love that is Greater than me. Then, and only then, will I celebrate the true meaning of the holiday.

I intend to spend the entire season looking at the world through my own eyes. I want to listen to myself, stay true to my own beliefs, love and be loved, give and receive graciously. I look forward to being grateful and feeling the wonder of being alive. I want to experience the incredible abundance of joy and light that exists. I do not want to be worrying if my halo will fall off. It already has!