The concepts of emotional dependency and independence are at the core of the stereotyped assumptions about women and men in our culture. Dependency is devalued and pathologized. It is linked with symbiosis, weakness, passivity, immaturity, and is attributed to women, children, and persons perceived as inadequately functioning. Independence, on the other hand, is highly valued. It is linked with autonomy, strength, taking action, and maturity and is attributed to men, adults, and individuals who are perceived as fully functioning.
This kind of polarization makes it difficult for women and men to accept any dependent feelings realistically and to depend on each other empathically. It also complicates the acceptance of independent feelings and goals in women and retards the development of interdependence among women.
The transition of women from dependent and limited functioning to fuller and more independent functioning is slow and complex. As women, most of us have gone through periods when we've shed the protective and immobilizing ties that keep us from full functioning, only to discover that the new freedom is terrifying. We have not yet developed the skills or the strength to make full use of new opportunities. The learning or relearning is slow, frustrating, and painful. Even more, we long at times for the familiar comfort of the ties that keep us immobilized.
When we can place our ability to give to others at the core of who we are, we can also recognize the legitimacy of our own needs. When we value the help we give, our interdependence, we can more easily ask for help and trust each other. When we cherish our ability to meet the needs of others, our dependability, we are better able to express our own needs, our dependency, and to take care of ourselves, to be independent.
In today's world it is absolutely essential that all of us, women and men, take responsibility for being aware of our human relationship needs and that we be mindful of our own and our planet's vulnerability. Our survival depends on learning to interact in a mode of equality and interdependence.
