What About Lesbian’s Kids?

My son showed me a letter from one of his high school teachers. He had asked her for a letter recommending him to National Honor Society, which exemplifies excellence in scholarship, leadership, character and service.

The letter was glowing. As I read the first page I was pleased me to see how well she had recognized his dedication, passion and spirit. When I got to the second page, however, I found myself stuck on a paragraph so troubling that all I could do was read and re-read it.

“…sometimes his peers have ridiculed him for unconventional domestic living arrangements. It appears to have made him stronger and yet he seems to not turn cold to the humans who surround him.”

I was dismayed and concerned. As a psychotherapist and a parent, I had always paid close attention to my son’s emotional development. My primary focus for the seventeen years I’d been a mother was to provide a healthy, steady, loving environment for my son.

As I read her statement again, I became painfully aware of the challenges children who have “different” living situations must face. They are constantly dealing with the ignorance and prejudicial attitudes of society.

There are many children who fall into this category. Consider the children who are not Christian who are inundated with all the activities of the Christmas season? What about children whose parents have divorced have two families with which they are navigating back and forth? What about children of different or mixed races or religions? What about children who had a parent die? What about children who are adopted? What about children whose mother conceived them through artificial insemination? These children do not have a choice. They need to be supported and encouraged to be themselves not to be defined by circumstances.

Just as I was gathering my senses to call the teacher to discuss her perceptions (and beliefs about them), the mail arrived. On the front cover of Newsweek magazine was Melissa Etheridge and her pregnant partner with the caption: “CAN GAY FAMILIES GAIN ACCEPTANCE/ WHAT IT’S LIKE FOR THE KIDS”.

The article by Barbara Kantrowitz talked about the emergence in the last few years of gay parents who are coming out of hiding and finding a place for their families in the mainstream. She estimated that there were 6 million to 14 million children in this country with at least one gay parent.

I jumped to the part of the article that addressed the effect of a lesbian lifestyle on the kids. Kantrowitz said, “There are no long-term studies available of what the effects of growing up in such a family might be. In a comprehensive 1992 summary of studies of gay parenting, it was concluded that the children are just as well adjusted (for example, they do not have any more psychological problems and do just as well in school) as the offspring of heterosexual parents.”

I decided to talk this over with my son before calling his teacher. I wanted to get his input. He told me that his teachers had expressed the most negativity about his living situation. His peers were quite accepting because he was. Well-meaning teachers had offered comments to him over the years including suggestions like his “needing male role models” because of his ‘home life’.” He had found this humiliating.

“Actually,” he said, “I am very grateful that you are a lesbian. You have the courage to be who you are, so I can too! I don’t even have to question whether or not you’d approve of whoever I am. That is a tremendous freedom that most of my friends don’t have.”

I decided to mull the situation over for a few weeks. I knew I could find an approach to communicating my viewpoint that would be constructive and have a positive outcome with his teacher.

During this time I ran across a sentence in a movie review by Mona Smith. “Within the Native American community, homosexuality was traditionally associated with the power to bridge worlds.”

I was struck by the truth of these words. They began to help me relax into a deeper understanding about the opportunity these children from not-the-norm homes could provide for people who either had not encountered or given thought to their circumstances. These children really did have the power to bridge worlds by bringing more consciousness about “diversity” out into the open.

When I reached a space within myself where I felt no animosity, anger or point to prove, I knew I was ready to discuss the letter with his teacher. I decided to start our conversation at the place where we were in alignment: concern for my son’s emotional well-being. Through our compassionate and honest conversation we both agreed that unexamined judgment creates fear and separation. Humanity’s hope for change can come through the children who know and live the oneness of diversity.
I know that my son and other children like him, simply by being who they are, are offering the world a powerful and vitally important chance to understand, experience new awareness and accept another definition of “family”.

A Tribute To Matthew Shepard

On October 12, 1998, Matthew Shepard, a student at the University of Wyoming, died after being brutally attacked in what was reported by news media as a hate crime because of his homosexuality. His friends and family described him as a friendly and outgoing young man who had great passion for equality. He was someone who always stood up for the acceptance

of peoples’ differences.

There was an enormous outpouring of public outrage both nationally and around the world at this hideous tragedy. Ellen DeGeneres, a courageous lesbian who is highly visible and loved by many in our society, hosted his memorial service in Washington, D.C. The incident challenged millions of people to stop and think about hate crimes in all its forms. Matthew’s torturous death changed the way we think about, talk about, and deal with hate and judgment. The incident continues to have a strong influence on our awareness and growing consciousness.

Throughout recorded History, homosexual activity has been repressed by certain governing groups and members of society under punishment of torture, mutilation, death and social ostracism. Laws to this effect were in force in Europe from the fifth to the twentieth centuries, and is still practiced in Muslim countries today. Homosexuals were killed in staggering numbers during the Holocaust by the Nazi Germans. Between 1996-2001 the Taliban in Afghanistan eliminated homosexuals. Countries where homosexuality is still punishable by death in present-day include Iran, Mauritania, Nigeria, Pakistan, Saudi Arabia, Sudan, United Arab Emirates, and Yemen.

It is no wonder than so many gay, lesbian, bi-sexual and transgender people have hidden their identity and found safety “in the closet”. In recent years large numbers of GLBTs have become part of a movement that has created more visibility, unity and solidarity and has begun to normalize different domestic choices. It is no surprise that Matthew, growing up as this movement was gaining momentum, felt he could publicly be who he was.

Violence against LGBT people can include threats, physical and/or sexual assault, rape, torture, attempted murder and murder. These actions come from cultural, religious, or political mores and biases. LGBT attract hate and hate crimes by individuals or groups, or from government enforcement of laws targeting people who are perceived to violate heterosexual rules and collective protocols of gender roles. Equating same-sex relationships with sex kindles these myopic opinions.

Wikipedia states that in the United States, the FBI reported that 15.6% of hate crimes reported to police in 2004 were founded on perceived sexual orientation. 61% of these attacks were against gay men, 14% against lesbians, 2% against heterosexuals and 1% against bisexuals, while attacks against GLBT people at large made up 20%.

Matthew’s suffering was undeniably the brutal victimization of an innocent human being. One of the things Matthew’s death did to challenge pubic awareness about hate, judgment and issues of diversity was to bring to the forefront questions about the meaning of human rights.

The GLBT movement has made headway in recent years in some states addressing the human rights of those who live a same-sex lifestyle or identify themselves as GLBT. Considerable resistance has produced a heated and stimulating dialogue that has been met with a small smattering of acceptance. This resistance has exposed the hatred that exists toward anyone different from the privileged, close-minded few who believe the illusion that they define society. It has made them publicly admit their disregard for the existence and acceptance all people.

The resistance is personal, political and has its foundation largely defined by religious beliefs. The current gay issues have pressured churches with questions like denying gay clergy to serve as leaders. This has split congregations and caused them to break apart. Churches have struggled to figure out what to do with gay parishioners. Some have rejected and alienated them from practicing their faith. This has been a hypocritical and embarrassing exposure of their lack of inclusion and judgment that their entire doctrine is professed to be built upon.

So church and state are in a power struggle against the gay movement. As we gather strength in numbers, have and adopt children, occupy positions in politics and places of leadership in religion, the issues are heating up. We are living in a time with similar struggles that faced African Americans and Women when they fought for and won their rights as people who are human beings.

Matthew’s murder has brought national attention to the issue of hate legislation at state and national levels. On March 20,2007 The Matthew Shepard Act was introduced as federal bipartisan legislation in the United States Congress. Its purpose was to extend hate crimes to include gay and lesbian individuals, women, and people with disabilities. The bill passed the House of Representatives on May 3rd, 2007. Similar legislation is expected to pass in the Senate. President Bush has indicated, however, that he may veto the legislation if it reaches his desk.

I had the privilege to hear Matthew Shepard’s mother speak on a University Women’s Studies circuit not long after he was murdered. I was surprised to find the theatre packed with people who had come to respectfully hear what she had to say.

She spoke softly, yet deliberately. I was struck with her candidness, her authenticity, and her wisdom. It was clear that she was determined to use the untimely loss of her son to make a difference in the world.

She began by sharing with us the letter she had read to the jury before the two young men who tortured her son were sentenced to life imprisonment for Matthew’s murder. The letter’s intent was to present Matthew as a person who was deeply loved by his parents, his brother, other relatives, countless friends and his community. It mentioned the dreams he had for his life, his thoughtfulness and kindness, his passion to live life fully. The letter addressed her loss as his mother, and how this loss had transformed everything in her life.

Then she talked with moving compassion about the families of the two young abusers, whose lives were also devastated by their children’s actions. With much soul searching, Judy Shepard and her husband had chosen not to hate the individuals responsible for Matthew’s murder. They had come to the realization that if they hated these men, the hatred would perpetuate their grieving and produce the very same negativity that had fueled the young men’s actions. Then, they too, would be victimizers. Their courageous stance on this spared the men from the death sentence and instead they were sentenced to life imprisonment.

Following the letter, she continued her talk by sharing stories of Matthew’s “coming out.” Though her stories were filled with warmth and humor, her message was strong: Everyone must exercise their right to be who they are. We can’t expect people to accept us if we are ashamed to show who we are. This is the only way things will change. It is dangerous to continue to hide.

She challenged society’s part in creating a culture and climate that could allow such hate crimes. She reminded us that we, as Americans, were all victims of the hate crime known as 9/11. She emphasized that those who understand the destruction that can come from hating others must come forward and show all those who are stuck in fear-based thinking that it is NOT acceptable to hate.

Judy Shepard’s message challenged the current attitude, which she described as the old way of thinking. By her example, I could sense she was helping those of us in the audience see the world in a new way. She spoke of the potential that could be brought to the world if hating others was eliminated.

She posed the question of what might happen if every person felt free enough to be all they could be. She pondered about what would happen if we stopped projecting our fears onto women, the poor, gays, and people of color, different religions, and other countries? She challenged us to consider owning our part in creating human suffering. She wondered if owning our own hatred would instead give us the potential to manifest a world of global unity, care, support and love?

She went on to say that each time we judge someone who is different from us and treat them with hatred, we add to the collective darkness. Every time we do not allow ourselves to be out as who we are, we push our light into the shadows and give power to the collective darkness.

Judy Shepard’s commitment to educate people through her speaking engagements promotes a greater understanding of gay issues and crimes of violence. Being an inspiring woman who is living fully who she is and standing up to speak her truth, she goes far beyond her words and delivers an enormously empowering, light-bearing message.

Judy Shepard set up the Matthew Shepard Foundation. I highly recommend that you view it. The web page exudes love, inspiration, compassion and hope. It deserves to be read and shared with others to acknowledge all the positive things they are doing to promote awareness about the issues Matthew’s death brought to the attention of the world.

In remembering Matthew Shepard, it is imperative that we do not forget the importance his life and death has given us. We must remember the awareness his suffering has brought to everyone in the world. We must not become indifferent to the issues of giving people of diversity the same rights as every other human. Many people have expressed their creativity about Matthew’s murder and the issues that provoked it through art, songs, writing, plays and movies. Three films: The Laramie Project (based on a play by the same name), The Matthew Shepard Story, and Anatomy of a Hate Crime have given us a wealth of material to remember what we must not forget.

Our challenge is to live in a way that respects and does not harm others. We need to honestly examine any beliefs we have that might interfere with our living from a place of compassion and caring for all of life. Only then can we begin to change the current and prevalent acceptance of violence. We must start with understanding and expressing this through ourselves before it can move through the family, our nation and the world. Each of us has the ability and responsibility to participate in compassionate nonviolence.

We need to develop a more expansive perspective and look at things from other people’s points of view. What would it take to understand that we are all part of the same world? Just as in a family, when one part isn’t working or one group of people are suffering, it affects everyone. When something as dynamic as human rights is disabled in society we must each do our part to address the problems and find a solution. Each of us is part of the whole.

When there is a problem, everyone shares a common interest. The common denominator for all of us with hatred, hate crimes, and judgment of diversity is that we are all human. Every person on this planet has the potential and capability to engage in truth, not harm others with our thoughts or actions, and evolve toward an accepting world.

When we feel judgment and hatred, it is an opportunity to practice tolerance and develop inner strength. Progress starts with each one of us. Hatred and what it destroys can only change when we love life and those who are different from us with an open heart. Then, Matthew’s death will not have been in vain.

Lesbian Friendships

Everyone knows the stereotype depicted in the joke, "What do lesbians do on their second date?"--"Rent a U-Hall". I have experienced and known many lesbians who have rushed into relationships.

The experience I have wanted to have, but hadn't in my lifetime with other lesbians is to be just friends. No emotional chaos. No co-dependency. No sex. No partnership. Simply friends. 

Most of my life-time closest friends are straight. Their preference has undoubtedly helped me keep the boundaries of friendship secure and protected.

Is this delama manifested because lesbians have fuzzy boundaries? Is it too difficult for lesbians to be alone and not in a relationship? Is lesbian identity only validated by being "with" someone?

Last year I met a lesbian sister while out walking our dogs. She was traveling through Colorado and was considering moving here. Over the next month and a half she was visiting we because friends. When she left we stayed in contact by phone. In July this year she moved here.

Our friendship has grown because we spend a lot of time together doing things. We bike, go to TaiChi twice a week, have lunches, take great delight in going to the mountains. Monday this week we went on an all-day road trip through Rochy Mountain National Park.

There has never been any confusion in our friendship about what the relationship is and is not. There are no underlying agendas. There is no sexual tension. In the same way as my straight friends--we are friends.

I am grateful that I have a lesbian friend. It is nice to share that way of being in the world with someone close who is not in an intimate relationship with me. Being lesbians gives us a commonality that feels very comfortable.

I appreciate the absence of pressure I experience in this friendship. Without the tension that often exists between lesbians to make the relationship into something more, I feel a freedom that is quite satisfying.

It is a great growing experience for me to develop a solid friendship with another single lesbian. It is strengthening to my sense of myself. It is fun. I feel blessed.

Girl Scouts of USA Trans Stance

Girl Scouts of the USA has long welcomed transgender girls in its troops. But after the anti-LGBT American Family Association recently targeted the organization, Girl Scouts leadership doubled down on their trans-inclusive stance. 

"Our position is not new," said Andrea Bastiani Archibald, the Girl Scouts USA's chief girl expert. "It conforms with our continuous commitment to inclusivity."

Placement of transgender youth will be handled on a case-by-case basis, with the welfare and best interests of the child and the members of the troop/group in question a top priority. If the child is recognized by the family and school/community as a girl and lives culturally as a girl, then Girl Scouts is an organization that can serve her in a setting that is both emotionally and physically safe.

The Utah Pride Center launched in April a Girl Scout troop that welcomes children from LGBT families and transgender girls. This brought the issue to the national attention of activists on both sides of the issue.

In 2012, a Denver troop attracted accolades and criticism for allowing a transgender girl to join its troop. One side effect: Supporters encouraged people to buy more cookies from their local troops while opponents advised people to stay away from the treats.

This decision has raised issues with conservative religious groups, which claim that the Girl Scouts would be allowing boys "who are confused" to join. Claiming that Girl Scouts have lost its "moral compass," the American Family Association created an online petition on May 13 to ask the organization to restrict the Girl Scout's membership to "biological girls" It attracted more than 38,000 e-signatures in a few days.

"This means girls in the organization will be forced to recognize and accept transgenderism as a normal lifestyle," the petition read. "Boys in skirts, boys in make-up and boys in tents will become a part of the program. This change will put young innocent girls at risk." Supporters of the petition wanted to "stop this nonsense by rescinding this dangerous policy."

The language of the petition evoked repeatedly debunked, transphobic arguments that equate transgender people with sexual predators--even though studies show transgender women, especially, are the most at risk of verbal and physical harassment when using gender-segregated spaces like restrooms and locker rooms, compared to their nontrans counterparts. 

In a statement published on the official Girl Scouts website May 14, the organization's chief leader clarified the organization's intention of "serving all girls.

A day after the petition was created the Girl Scouts founder Juliette Gordon Low was cited in a blog written by the current head of the organization, Archibald: "Our mission is to build 'girls of courage, confidence, and character, who make the world a better place'. This extends to all members, and through our program, girls develop the necessary leadership skills to advance diversity and promote tolerance."

The Girl Scouts' stance means that one of the most popular activities for girls is clearly accessible to transgender girls, said Ellen Kahn, director of the Human Rights Campaign Foundation''s Children, Youth & Families program, which focuses on LGBT rights.

"Scouting is such a big part of many children's lives," Kahn said. To her, the Girl Scouts' stance tells young people that "if you're a girl, you belong here, and who are they to question someone's gender identity? They recognize that's not for them to do."

That doesn't mean the Girl Scouts USA can force local councils to welcome anybody. There are 112 Girl Scout councils across the country, all of which are separate nonprofit organizations. That's 2.8 million Girl Scouts -- 2 million children and 800,000 adult members who are mostly volunteers. The national organization provides guidance to local Girl Scout councils on many issues. It works with the councils to ensure that the Girl Scouts' mission to build girls of courage, confidence and character, extends to all girls, but it doesn't dictate policy to them.

The Girl Scouts of the USA, which is headquartered in New York City, first made waves with trans-inclusive policies back in 2011, when news broke that a Denver troop had welcomed a 7-year-old transgender girl into its ranks. Throughout the resulting backlash--including a brief, failed effort at a boycott of the famous Girl Scout cookies--the national organization's message was clear: Scouting is for all girls.