Lesbian domestic violence victims often experience a sense of frustration and betrayal at the response of other lesbians to their difficult situation. It is relatively easy for many lesbians to spot male victimization of women, and to see the need for women to leave those situations in which they are being abused by men. It is far more difficult for lesbians to sort out our victimization of each other.
Ironically, lesbians may be more tempted to blame other lesbians than they are to blame heterosexual women for victimization experiences. Lesbians may feel loyalty or identification toward another lesbian who behaves abusively that they would ever feel toward a male batterer.
It may be difficult for lesbians to understand that a woman would "allow" herself to be battered by someone physically smaller. Paradoxically, lesbians may buy into the sexist stereotype that somehow women aren't big enough or strong enough to do each other damage. It is hard for lesbians, especially lesbian feminists, to acknowledge that other lesbians are capable of being cruel, violent, and brutal. When friends or acquaintances do recognize that violence exists in a relationship, they may experience conflicting loyalties.
In a breakup, it is not uncommon for the batterer to "get custody of the friends" when the victim has retreated into depression, fearfulness, vulnerability, and isolation. As she doesn't feel safe in any situation in which she may encounter her abuser, she avoids social or community gatherings that might include her former partner. Ironically, by not taking sides, mutual friends may nevertheless create a climate in which they are primarily available to the batterer.
Within some segments of the lesbian community, an especially insidious sort of victim blaming occurs: battered lesbians are labeled 'co-dependent," "co-alcoholic," or just chronic "victims' who are 'as sick as the batterer." Such labeling ignores a premise that is fundamental to the foundation of the battered women's movement: no one deserves to be battered. By labeling the battered lesbian as "co-dependent," or as "such a victim" the fact that the batterer alone makes the choice to behave abusively is overlooked.
