Relationship Ends

When a relationship ends, the grieving process happens no matter what the circumstances of the breakup are. The feelings of loss are present regardless of how the relationship ended. Endings and change bring loss and loss brings grief.

Some of us are extremely uncomfortable with these feelings. Everyone has moments when they don't want to deal with them. It is important to let ourselves experience all the feelings that come up or they will more than likely accumulate and cling onto other feelings of loss that we've had in the past that still linger in our psyches.

One of the main feelings of loss of a relationship is hurt. So many of us have had our feelings hurt as children and as adults. Sometimes it is difficult to know where the hurt is coming from. Is it the past or does it have to do with the current situation? Hurt is a normal feeling of loss that the heart experiences when change happens.

When we are in a relationship, no matter what the quality of that relationship is, our hearts open up to the other person. Intimacy, trust, and love all make us vulnerable to ourselves and the other person. When that person is no longer there, we are left feeling even more vulnerable.

If the feelings are not felt, they can turn into anger. This kind of anger is a protection from all the vulnerability that we don't know how to deal with. This can lead to all kinds of projection on the other person. One of the symptoms of protective anger is blame. Another is changing the past to reflect only negative things. Another is to hang onto little annoyances and make them big. All of these activities of the mind help protect us from feeling loss.

Another common way to avoid feelings of grief is to get immediately involved in another relationship. In this scenario, we don't have to feel the uncomfortable feelings because we are attaching to someone else. Falling in love is a lot more exciting than healing from the relationship we have just disassembled.

Feeling loss can bring with it the experience of helplessness and of being alone and not in control. It can make us feel little, like a child. It is important when these feelings come up to remember the choices we have made or that we have now. This will remind us of our strength.

We can feel all the feelings and still stay empowered in the present. This requires us to steadily allow and monitor all the feelings that come up for us. Sometimes the mind will try to distort the hurt feelings of grief to cover up the feelings of sadness. It is important the not let our minds run the show.

Ending a relationship is difficult no matter whether you are the one who left or the one who was left. It is difficult to understand the meaning of why it happened until much later. Initially though, we can expect grief. How we deal with it is what matters.

Champion Arty Come Lately
April 24, 1994 - April 2, 2009

After Abracadabra died Mid-November, Ladybug seemed to skip over grief and never turned back to miss her sister. She hung out contentedly with Arty--through his failing health, as he visibly weakened daily from not eating. She didn't seem to notice when he couldn't walk anymore.

Earlier that day I had called the veterinarian to bring Arty in to put him down to sleep. "You'll have to wait until tomorrow morning at 7:45", met my request. I knew, with only a Mother's knowing, that the time was NOW and tomorrow would be too late. As it turned out it was not only too late but too long.

Mid-afternoon, I came around the corner of the bedroom and found Arty sprawled on the floor with each of his feet going in one of the four directions. He had taken his last steps. I gently lifted him and laid him in his dog bed. Shortly after, as I lay on the floor, rolled on my side petting him, he had his first convulsion.

I immediately jumped into "HELP" mode, totally ignoring my feelings of inadequacy and my ignorance of what to do. The convulsions were mild at first, although I didn't know that at the time. It was only later, after I had stayed up with him all night, I realized that those early ones had been mild.

Arty had my heart. He was the "most beautiful dog I have ever seen", my sister would say. I leaned that way in my own biased thinking. He had been my dear friend from the moment I first laid eyes on him and our friendship grew stronger each year of the twelve we spent together. We understood and respected each others' need for unconditional love. I don't feel he was ever once disappointed in my humanness and I felt deep pride in watching him become more and more of a dog. In his later years, he actually became a full-fledged canine and he was happy.

I can still see him running full-out across the wide green expanse of the park we frequented in our early years together. He was a picture of Grace. Balance. Joy. Even then, Hobbit's vision blurred and Arty stepped right in to guide her, even on their park runs. After a long-enough run he gently brought her back to me. He was by her side day and night and when she died, he sank into a deep grief that lasted a good four years. Her absence broke his heart.

It was when we moved across the country that he began come out of himself and notice his Tibbie sisters and me. The introverted perspective gave way to the world again and he began to enjoy life again. Like the sunshine part of the country we now call "home" he warmed up from the inside out. It was like having the old Arty back, new and better than ever.

I wonder, even now, if it was our strong attachment to each other that created our last awful night together so we could let go? It made the break clean. Necessary. Final. We acted out our entire relationship in that one last precious, tedious, nightmare night.

Ladybug, who I believe always thought wanted to be an only dog, mirrors my grieving now. I see it in her eyes and in her wandering aimlessly through the house looking for something that is no longer here. Arty's absence is more difficult that his death was, for me. So, we wait for our hearts to heal, knowing another Tibetan Spaniel is waiting for us to be swooped up into our lives. Into our hearts. Into our forever home.