There
are several issues that arise in lesbian- and gay-parented families: One is the
rich variety of family constellations they comprise, and the other is that fact
they are living in a society that does not yet value rich variety. The tension
created by this situation generates unique needs for the approximately 5
million gay and lesbian parents in this country whenever they present
themselves to the legal system, the educational system, the mental health
profession, religious organizations, the medical profession, or the insurance
industry – to name just a few.
Family
constellations among lesbian- and gay-parented families are largely quite
different from the heterosexually parented nuclear family. The conventional
notion of a parenting family contains many presumptions: that there will be two
parents, that they will be one of each gender, they will be romantic partners
of one another, they will live under one roof, they will both be biologically
related to the children they raise, and that they will be recognized legally as
a family. This Mom-and-Dad nuclear family is not merely the baseline model in
our culture against which all other models are deviant, abut it is also assumed
to be an optimal structure for child development, compared to which all other
constellations are viewed as having deficiencies which must be overcome.
This is
a model, however, which applies to no lesbian and gay parented families. Gay
and lesbian parents are heading families with one, two, three, or even four
parents. Sometimes there are no men among the parents; sometimes there are no
women. Sometimes there are men and women but they are not romantic partners of
each other. Some families intentionally comprise more than one household.
Sometimes both biological parents are included in the family and sometimes not.
Often there is a biological parent who is not a family member at all. Usually
there is at least one parent who has no biological relation to the child. And
perhaps most important, there is almost always a parent-child relationship that
the law does not recognize or protect.
By this
time, the ability of lesbian and gay parents to provide just as adequately as
heterosexual parents for the social and emotional health of their children has
been documented repeatedly in the research literature. Dozens of research
studies of gay and lesbian parents were indistinguishable from children raised
by heterosexuals.
In
order to interface effectively with these families, however, to truly meet
their needs in this culture, we have to go beyond a tolerance for their
alternative format. We need instead to radically discard the Mom-and-Dad
nuclear model as any kind of standard. We must accept the premise that it is
quality of care, and not family constellation, which determines what is optimal
for children's healthy development. We must further learn to identify who
actually is and isn't a family member based on the loving bonds of
responsibility that have been both intended and fulfilled, and not on any
biological, legal, or conventional definitions of what is a family.
What is
especially interesting about all this is the fact that the children in these
families are not the least confused as long as they are being spoken to openly
and honestly about who are the biological parents who made them and who are the
caregiving parents who raise them. The younger the child, the easier it is for
them to grasp. In many cultures other than our own, of course, we see that people
other than the two who created them, in a variety of family structures, are
often raising children. As long as it is culturally supported, the children
experience it as natural. Increasingly, it appears that our gay and lesbian
parenting communities are providing the kind of supportive subculture that
allows these kids to be comfortable in such a variety of family relationships.
When we
have learned to identify a family based on who performs the functions, takes on
the responsibilities, has the bonds of the heart, and was intended to be a
parent, we soon discover that most of the time the family that we define in
this way will fail to meet the legal and social definitions of family. Every
form they fill out for their child will ask for Mother's name and Father's name,
and the family will forever be making decisions about how to identify itself.
To opt for total openness - as in crossing out "Father" and writing
in "Other Mother" for example, creates both benefits and stresses.
On
the benefit side, the family that chooses to completely disclose the nature of
their family to their neighborhood, their doctors, schools, extended family,
etc., puts itself in the ideal position to receive support, services, and
community. Because such a family is openly known in the school system, the
children are in the best position to deal with whatever social situations might
arise from having gay parents. Their parents' openness gives them the tools to
approach their family's difference in a positive way with people. It teaches
them to expect respectful treatment and to trust their own ability to cope with
someone who is negative.
It creates an
authenticity and genuine intimacy with friends and extended family that can
never be had if there is hiding or secrecy. It also means that school and
medical personnel who are serving a child's needs are in the best position to
understand the nature of the child's experience at home, which might on
occasion be critical to evaluation and decision-making.
On the
stress side, however, a family that chooses to identify itself openly as a gay
or lesbian parented family may expose itself to risks of homophobic insults, to
loss of support from extended family, to loss of jobs or housing, and even to
violence. For many families, openness about a parent's homosexual orientation
might also result in loss of custody or visitation with the child. Whether or
not these dangers are real for a given family, the expectation that they could
happen creates considerable anxiety. These are frightening prospects and require
very difficult decisions.
Whether
or not a family is open about being headed by gay or lesbian parents, however,
the lack of legal recognition for a nonbiological parent has a profound impact
both on internal family dynamics and on the way the family is integrated into
their community and extended families. The anxiety may be enormous for a parent
who invests his heart and soul in a child with the ever-present danger that
this child could be taken from him in an instant if the legal parent died.
Grandparents may not want to get deeply involved with a child to whom they have
no legal ties. Employers may not offer family leave or recognize family
emergencies. Insurance will not cover the child of a nonlegal parent.
The
situation is especially serious when a gay or lesbian couple with children
separates. Their lack of legal recognition as a family creates real danger that
the custody and access arrangements that are made will not be in the child's
best interests. The biological mother, for example, in a crisis of anger and
hurt, may resort to legal privilege and view the child as solely hers, thereby
ignoring the child's need for emotional continuity with his other mother.
Family and friends, who are understandably protective of her and feel
adversarial to her partner, may pressure her to redefine the family
relationships along heterosexist lines. Meanwhile, a nonbiological mother knows
that she has virtually no chance of succeeding in a court challenge, and so may
just get pushed out of the child's life. The professionals who get involved at
this juncture have tremendous power to either exacerbate the problem, or to
turn it around and support the family to continue coparenting together after
separating, despite a complete lack of legal and societal support for doing so.
The
reality we find is that the most destructive things in families are secrets.
Children should be given truthful relevant information as soon as possible,
along with ongoing support to address their concerns about it. Everyone working
with children should be aware of an organization called C.O.L.A.G.E., the
national support organization whose acronym stands for Children of Lesbians and
Gays Everywhere, as
well as the Family Pride Coalition (formerly the Gay and Lesbian Parents
Coalition International). There
is nothing more powerful for kids than letting them know that they are not the only
ones in their situation, that other kids have families just like theirs, and
that there is a forum for discussing all the issues that come up in school and
family.
By
contrast, families which don't start in a heterosexual context generally
have no issues about coming out to the children. Gay men and lesbians who
become parents through adoption, donor insemination, or surrogacy tend to
create families in which the children grow up with a natural and comfortable
awareness of their parents' affectional lives. These families also tend to be
more open in their communities and schools, though many of them also struggle
with being partially closeted due to fears of losing housing or jobs.
These
gayby boom families are uniquely created through a great deal of planning and
decision-making. Because gay people do not automatically assume they will have
children, and have little societal pressure or encouragement to do so, as well
as the fact that there are virtually no accidental pregnancies, these tend to
be highly motivated families who spend considerable time in consultation with
therapists and other advisers before undertaking so important a venture as
parenthood. In fact, in many cities gay men and lesbians are creating what
should become a model for parents of all sexual orientations in their approach
to parenthood. It is commonplace for lesbians and gay men to spend many months
in the ongoing workshops on Considering Parenthood which are proliferating all
around the country. In these workshops, in addition to making the complex
decisions about how to define who the intended parents will be and how to go
about accessing adoption and donor insemination options, these prospective parents
also do careful reviews of all their parenting concerns: questioning whether
they have the resources of time, money, maturity, skills, stability of
relationship, physical health, and stamina necessary to be good parents. It
would be ideal, of course, if every child in the world were born to a family
that prepared so responsibly.
The
fact that these families are thriving despite tremendous social obstacles is
certainly admirable. They have largely done their own advocacy and absorbed the
difficulties as individuals. If our agenda is to see that every member of these
families is optimally cared for medically and educationally, and if our aim is
to protect the rights of children living in these families so that they do not
lose a parent due to homophobia and heterosexist definitions of family, then we
must, as professionals and simply as neighbors and citizens, be proactive about
increasing visibility for them. Families who see themselves welcomed in a
school brochure, for example, or mentioned in a kindergarten class on family
diversity, will be far more likely to openly disclose to their communities.
Their visibility, in turn, will help to change the stereotypes and hysteria
that afflict our culture, and make our institutions more realistic and
compassionate.
