We come into the world at birth with no sense of boundaries. We don’t know where mother ends and we begin. We feel no doubts of our need fulfillment and of its source.
Our first growth realization is of separateness. With our first steps our task is letting go and acknowledging a personal boundary: I am separate and so are those who care about me.
As exuberant as this independence feels, emotionally it is a departure and a struggle. The rawness of the experience may even feel like abandonment. From the beginning of life, we have equated letting go of attachment with loss of power and of secure need fulfillment. The mystery of why we hold on so fiercely as adults may be found in this original terrifying and illusionary experience.
Healthy adults learn that separateness is not abandonment but simply a human condition, the only condition from which a healthy relationship can grow. With boundaries comes interdependence rather than dependency. With boundaries comes personal accountability not entitlement to be taken care of. From boundaries comes the mutuality that drops control of another in favor of honor of another.
Boundaries do not create alienation; they safeguard continuity. Boundaries are what allow us to have closeness while we still safely maintain a personal identity. To give up personal boundaries would mean abandoning ourselves. No relationship can thrive when one or both partners have forsaken the inner unique core of their own separate identity.
In a healthy person, loyalty has its limits and unconditional love can coexist with conditional involvement. Unconditional does not mean uncensoring. You can love someone unconditionally and place conditions on your interactions with them to protect your own boundaries.
The essential inner core of our self must remain intact as relationships begin, change and end. The journey never violates our wholeness. When we are clear about our personal boundaries, the identity that is ours is not given to us by others nor do we let it be plundered by them.
What is important in building a functional healthy ego is to relate intimately to others with full and generous openness while your own wholeness remains intact. This is adult interdependence.
In every truly intimate relationship we become ego-invested in the other person. This means that we care deeply about our partner’s welfare. It also means that we care about our partner’s opinions of us and treatment of us. We are vulnerable to hurt and rejection. We have given power to our partner. This is perfectly normal and flows from the nature of commitment.
In a functional ego-investment, we give power without being personally diminished. We are vulnerable as lovers not as victims. Our commitment does not mean losing our boundaries.
In a neurotic ego-investment, we loose our ability to protect ourselves. The actions of our partner then determine our state of mind rather than simply affecting it temporarily. We live by reaction rather than by taking action. This is how the unfinished business of our childhood can sabotage adult self-esteem.
Those who were abused or neglected as children and had no way of defending themselves, have the most trouble in making a healthy ego-investment in relationships. For them, boundaries were never clear or safe and adult relating depletes their tentative ego supplies.
There are some things to keep in mind when becoming more aware of your personal boundaries. Ask directly for what you want. This declares your identity to others and to yourself. If your boundaries are so rigid that you avoid closeness, you may be in the grip of fear. If your boundaries are loose or undefined you may be in the lap of submission to others’ control.
Foster inner self-nurturance (a good parent within yourself). This builds an inner intuitive sense that lets you know when a relationship has become hurtful, abusive, or invasive.
Observe others’ behavior toward you—taking it as information—without getting caught in their drama. Be a fair witness who sees from a self-protected place. This is honoring your own boundaries. It empowers you then to decide—uninfluenced by another’s seductive or aggressive power—how much you will accept of how someone treats you.
Maintain a bottom line. There needs to be a limit to how many times you allow someone to say no, lie, disappoint, or betray you before you admit the painful reality and move on to mutual work or separating.
Change the focus of trust from others to yourself. As an adult you are not looking for someone you can trust absolutely. You acknowledge the margins of human failing and let go of expecting security. You then trust yourself to be able to receive love and handle hurt, to receive trustworthiness and handle betrayal, to receive intimacy and handle rejection.
Maintaining personal boundaries in relationships is something that we can learn as adults. Many breakups happen when boundaries are fuzzy and co-dependency is operative instead of healthy interdependence. The stronger we are within ourselves and the more we know and trust ourselves, the healthier our relationships will be.
Our first growth realization is of separateness. With our first steps our task is letting go and acknowledging a personal boundary: I am separate and so are those who care about me.
As exuberant as this independence feels, emotionally it is a departure and a struggle. The rawness of the experience may even feel like abandonment. From the beginning of life, we have equated letting go of attachment with loss of power and of secure need fulfillment. The mystery of why we hold on so fiercely as adults may be found in this original terrifying and illusionary experience.
Healthy adults learn that separateness is not abandonment but simply a human condition, the only condition from which a healthy relationship can grow. With boundaries comes interdependence rather than dependency. With boundaries comes personal accountability not entitlement to be taken care of. From boundaries comes the mutuality that drops control of another in favor of honor of another.
Boundaries do not create alienation; they safeguard continuity. Boundaries are what allow us to have closeness while we still safely maintain a personal identity. To give up personal boundaries would mean abandoning ourselves. No relationship can thrive when one or both partners have forsaken the inner unique core of their own separate identity.
In a healthy person, loyalty has its limits and unconditional love can coexist with conditional involvement. Unconditional does not mean uncensoring. You can love someone unconditionally and place conditions on your interactions with them to protect your own boundaries.
The essential inner core of our self must remain intact as relationships begin, change and end. The journey never violates our wholeness. When we are clear about our personal boundaries, the identity that is ours is not given to us by others nor do we let it be plundered by them.
What is important in building a functional healthy ego is to relate intimately to others with full and generous openness while your own wholeness remains intact. This is adult interdependence.
In every truly intimate relationship we become ego-invested in the other person. This means that we care deeply about our partner’s welfare. It also means that we care about our partner’s opinions of us and treatment of us. We are vulnerable to hurt and rejection. We have given power to our partner. This is perfectly normal and flows from the nature of commitment.
In a functional ego-investment, we give power without being personally diminished. We are vulnerable as lovers not as victims. Our commitment does not mean losing our boundaries.
In a neurotic ego-investment, we loose our ability to protect ourselves. The actions of our partner then determine our state of mind rather than simply affecting it temporarily. We live by reaction rather than by taking action. This is how the unfinished business of our childhood can sabotage adult self-esteem.
Those who were abused or neglected as children and had no way of defending themselves, have the most trouble in making a healthy ego-investment in relationships. For them, boundaries were never clear or safe and adult relating depletes their tentative ego supplies.
There are some things to keep in mind when becoming more aware of your personal boundaries. Ask directly for what you want. This declares your identity to others and to yourself. If your boundaries are so rigid that you avoid closeness, you may be in the grip of fear. If your boundaries are loose or undefined you may be in the lap of submission to others’ control.
Foster inner self-nurturance (a good parent within yourself). This builds an inner intuitive sense that lets you know when a relationship has become hurtful, abusive, or invasive.
Observe others’ behavior toward you—taking it as information—without getting caught in their drama. Be a fair witness who sees from a self-protected place. This is honoring your own boundaries. It empowers you then to decide—uninfluenced by another’s seductive or aggressive power—how much you will accept of how someone treats you.
Maintain a bottom line. There needs to be a limit to how many times you allow someone to say no, lie, disappoint, or betray you before you admit the painful reality and move on to mutual work or separating.
Change the focus of trust from others to yourself. As an adult you are not looking for someone you can trust absolutely. You acknowledge the margins of human failing and let go of expecting security. You then trust yourself to be able to receive love and handle hurt, to receive trustworthiness and handle betrayal, to receive intimacy and handle rejection.
Maintaining personal boundaries in relationships is something that we can learn as adults. Many breakups happen when boundaries are fuzzy and co-dependency is operative instead of healthy interdependence. The stronger we are within ourselves and the more we know and trust ourselves, the healthier our relationships will be.
