Being Outed at 65

I moved to another part of the country from where I had been living a number of years ago after a difficult breakup with my partner of 15 years. When I arrived at my new home I knew no one. So, I made the conscious choice not to share anything of my past with anyone. No one knew I was a psychotherapist, a musician, a maskmaker an artist, a Ph.D. They did know I was a lesbian. They did know I had 3 Tibetan Spaniels and they knew I lived with a dog breeder/judge. 

This choice for privacy was a good one as it let me heal and recover from the trauma I had experienced. It allowed me the luxury of letting my healing to be an inner process. I did not have to explain or share my process outside of myself at all. This encouraged me to move from a challenging psychological process to a spiritual one. It was a good decision.

When I moved to Colorado 4 years ago I was re-united with friends from when I had lived here from '78 to '90. These friends knew everything about me and had kept in touch through the 20 plus years I had been gone. We continued our friendship where we had left off and I loved every minute of it. I had an instant support system. 

I also began making new friends. Only one, a lesbian herself, knew about my being a lesbian. All the others were met in different contexts and my lesbian identity never seemed to be a factor. I  am comfortable being a lesbian. In fact, I love the fact that I love woman. But, I also love being a grandmother, an Elder, a writer, a musician, a maskmaker, a mother, a sister, a friend. So after spending eight years prior to Colorado not sharing--it did not seem odd to keep my own council about my being a lesbian.

Last weekend I had a party for my 65th birthday. I invited a circle of 12 women--some my long-term friends and others new ones. I had requested that each come with a story. It seemed important to hear aspects and things from different parts of my life. 

The first one to tell their story was my lesbian friend. She started out telling about how we had met and how excited she was when she found out I was a lesbian. Oops! Oh no, I thought! I wondered how my new friends would feel not knowing such a big part of my life? How could I be friends with them and omit being a lesbian?

After I had time to reflect I realized several things. One is that I feel I have learned to set boundaries with my personal life. Not revealing everything is how you create privacy. That seems like a good thing. Another thing I became aware of is that at my age I am not as invested in being identified as a lesbian or any one thing. I am comfortable if people know or not. So far, no one has batted an eye...

My Friends’ Wedding

Several weeks ago, because of action not taken by the United States Supreme Court, a number of states made it legal for gays and lesbians to get married. One of the states is where I live, Colorado.

I have been friends with Jan and Joan for 30 years. They have been together as a couple for almost 38 years. They are quite dear to me and even when I moved back East for 20 plus years, their friendship remained vital and fulfilling. I have always known them as a couple and over the years developed an additional relationship with each of them, which only made them as a couple richer for me.

Last year, the State of Colorado granted same-sex couples the right to get civil unions. At that time, Jan and Joan went through that process. When Colorado settled into what looked to be a permanent decision about offering same-sex marriages Jan and Joan did a lot of soul searching about whether or not to go for it.

Some of the issues of financial security and those kinds of legalities seemed important in that marriage could offer protection and therefore be a good reason to get married. One of these women was profoundly unprotected as the law goes. That was definitely a strong consideration.

Philosophically there were a lot of issues that came up. Marriage has long been considered an institution dominated by men. We still do not have all the rights men do. So, given the nature of marriage, it brought pause when considering the politics of lesbians entering into such a patriarchal agreement.

Joan, who works with taxes in her career, was ready to get married. Jan went back and forth. The deciding factor that finally convinced Jan was the realization that she could get another ring. It is difficult to know what exactly will push a person one way or another in something as important as this decision. Since the real, spiritual and personal reasons for being together had been proven over the last thirty-eight years--getting married brought of different issues and challenges for them than couples who are just entering into their lives together.

I was invited to go to the County Clerk’s Office to be a witness. When I got to their home they were dressed up and nervous. They had already exchanged their vows and exchanged rings. They had carefully selected something old, something new, something borrowed and something blue. They were so cute! Here are these young 60 something year old dykes going to get married. Wow!!!!!!!!!!

When we got to the County Clerk’s Office we got number 21 and sat waiting while people ahead of us got license plates and such. The line went quickly and then it was our turn. The woman at the window was the same one who had done Jan and Joan’s civil union. That was the first one of those she had done and this was her first same-sex marriage license. There were a lot of laughs as well as some not so supportive looks from those whose numbers hadn’t yet been called. We were completely giddy and delighted.

I reflected on the way home how sweet Jan and Joan’s love for one another expressed itself during that public procedure at the government building. Thirty-eight years is a long time to be together for a lesbian couple. We have not had the structure or permanence of marriage to foster commitment. Those of us who have found the fortitude and are fortunate enough to work through all the issues relationships challenge us with are great models for the entire community. I am honored to have Jan and Joan as mentors, to be a witness to their love and life together.

Lesbian Friendships

Everyone knows the stereotype depicted in the joke, "What do lesbians do on their second date?"--"Rent a Uhaul". I have experienced and known many lesbians who have rushed into relationship in this way.

The experience I have wanted to have, but hadn't in my lifetime with other lesbians, is to  just be friends. No emotional enmeshment. No co-dependency. No sex. No partnership. Simply friends.

Most of my life-time closest friends are straight. Some are in relationships and others are single. Their preference has undoubtedly helped me keep the boundaries of friendship secure and protected.

Is the need for lesbians to bond manifested because we have fuzzy boundaries? Is it too difficult for us to be single and not in a relationship? Is our identity only validated by being "with" someone?

Last year I met a lesbian while we were both walking our dogs. She was traveling through Colorado, considering moving here. Over the next month and a half we became friends. When she left we stayed in contact by phone. In July of this year she moved here.

Our friendship has grown as we have spent a lot of time together doing things. We bike. We go to Tai Chi twice a week. Talking over lunches is a regular happening. We both love to go to the mountains. Last Monday we took an all-day road trip through Rocky Mountain National Park. (It was spectacular!)

There has never been any confusion in our friendship about what the relationship is and is not. There are no hidden agendas. There is no sexual tension. In the same way as with my straight friends -- we are friends.

I am grateful that I have a lesbian friend. It is nice to share that way of being in the world with someone who totally understands it. Being lesbians gives us a commonality that feels very comfortable.

I appreciate the absence of pressure I experience in this friendship. It's not complicated. Without the tension that often exists between lesbians to make the relationship into something more, I feel a freedom that is quite satisfying.

It has been a wonderful growing experience for me to develop a solid friendship with another single lesbian. It has strengthened my sense of myself. I am having great fun! I am blessed.