As lesbians, we too often have to hear this joke: Q: What do lesbians do on their second date. A: Go get the U-Hall. We are notorious for getting into relationships quickly. Why is that? Perhaps it has to do with merging.
Merging is being confused on where you end and the other person begins. This can happen without our knowing it and quickly at the beginning of a relationship.
I wonder if this doesn't happen for lesbians because we project ourselves onto another woman. Because we are "the same" it feels comfortable and makes merging more likely to happen.
Heterosexual relationships, being a man and a woman, provoke a different kind of experience. The projection of "the other" provides a separation rather that a merging. Even though heterosexual relationships can form quickly, the chances of actually merging seems less likely.
Does merging cause a threat to the long-term success of a lesbian relationship? One of the problems in the lack of differentiation of partners is the need that arises after the relationship has been established for being individuals. This requires that the woman have a strong sense of Self. Otherwise, merging is bound to happen.
Young lesbians are particularly at risk for merging. They have more recently separated psychologically from their parents and are vulnerable to returning through merging in a relationship because of either lack or inexperience of knowing themselves. Sometimes this can be like having an idyllic connection like being in the womb. This is all unconscious but can be a projection that promotes merging within a relationship.
Being in a relationship consciously is a big responsibility and requires lots of effort. Merging can cause relationships to end when, for example, one person goes outside the partnership and has an affair with another woman. Or one partner simply leaves a relationship, driven by the need to get their individuality back.
Merging is dangerous to lesbian relationships and requires a lot of awareness and consciousness to avoid the pitfalls. Knowing yourself well is the best way to be able to have a healthy lesbian relationship. All we can do is try.
