BEST-KEPT SECRET

“Thus far, women have been the mere echoes of men. Our laws and constitutions, our creeds and codes, and the customs of social life are all of masculine origin. The true woman is as yet a dream of the future." --Elizabeth Cady Stanton 1848

Women in many cultures have experienced treatment that is oppressive and wounding. For centuries the abuse of women has been so insidious that it has gone on without question. To this day, attitudes and behaviors that devalue women around the world continue to find their way into societies, cultures, religions, morals, politics and other occurrences concerning gender inequalities and equal rights for women.

This oppression, which seems to be perpetuated in our unconscious, unknowing, or collectively accepted beliefs dominate the way we experience ourselves and the world. Any violation of a woman’s self, whether the violation is emotional, psychic, spiritual or physical and regardless of who or what the agent of the violation is constitutes abuse.

Many of us have been sexually, emotionally or physically abused as children and adults. Astonishing numbers of women have found themselves in abusive relationships, sexual jeopardy, or being minimized or harassed. Women can easily name times they have been treated with disrespect, weak or “less than”. Why then, do we collude with the abuse of women? It seems to be civilizations best-kept secret.

The abuse that arises from the collectives' perspective of women can be covert or overt. One woman might be battered or raped while another controlled by not being allowed to manage their own money, time, or friendships. Why do we not recognize the truth of these situations? In our silence, we agree to keep the secret.

There have been women in our history have paved the way for breaking the silence. They found the courage to stand up to the ways women were more intellectually limited, culturally deprived, socially dis-empowered, geographically restricted and economically dependent than men. Through their efforts, the veil began to lift.

Their dedication to changing the pattern of women's oppression influenced aspects of society from culture to law. They addressed women’s right of contract and property, women’s right to bodily integrity, autonomy of choice regarding reproductive rights such as abortion and contraception, protection from domestic violence, sexual harassment and rape, workplace rights including maternity leave and equal pay, and infringements against other forms of discrimination.

Some believe the movement to stop the discrimination of women occurred in three waves of feminism. The first wave of women fighting for these rights was in the nineteenth and early twentieth centuries. At first they focused on absolute rights such as, equal rights of contract and property and opposition to ownership of women and their children by husbands. By the end of the nineteenth century the feminist focus was on gaining political power. Issues in the forefront were women’s suffrage and active campaigning for women’s sexual, reproductive and economic rights.

In the United States, leaders of this movement included Elizabeth Cady Stanton and Susan B. Anthony, who each campaigned for the abolition of slavery prior to championing women’s right to vote. Their leadership ignited many other women to become involved in this movement. This first wave of feminism in the United States is considered to have ended with the passage of the Nineteenth Amendment to the United States Constitution granting women the right to vote August 26, 1920 .

The second wave of feminism was in the 1960’s and 1970’s. Women saw cultural and political inequalities as linked. They were encouraged to acknowledge aspects of their own personal lives as deeply politicized and reflective of a sexist structure of power. Their primary concerns were issues of inequality and the end of the discrimination of women. The ways women had been living became unacceptable and with a burst of collective awareness, things began to change.

The new wave of feminism that began in the ‘60s was very threatening to the old system. Despite this, women in large numbers banned together to heal their wounds, fight for their rights, and create lives for themselves that did not collude with abuse.

Women came together to collectively address their needs. They formed self-help groups, consciousness rising groups, book groups, and professional and associational support groups. Safe houses and rape crises hot lines gave many women places to find their voices and finally receive support from the horrific abuse that was previously not even believed. Events that promoted women’s culture, historical archives, and introducing women’s studies within education were other ways women came together to further their stand.

Women’s literature and other media as well as feminist literary criticism spoke up about abuse and the discrimination of women. In these works women’s personal stories of abuse and male domination were told. Women from the first wave had also spoken in their way anonymously, but contemporary women began an visible, honest, and prolific portrayal.

This movement began to reap the rewards of allowing women to search to know themselves, heal themselves, claim their inheritances and live fully in the world. Women's tremendous courage during this wave cracked open the silence that had shrouded abuse for generations.

The third wave of feminism began in the early 1990’s and continues today. This movement deals with a response to the perceived failures of the second wave. Issues of race and cultural discrimination are primary concerns. A post-structuralist interpretation of gender and sexuality is central to this wave. There is also a growing awareness of the differences between the sexes, which has led to further advances and changes in our thinking.

Women from many disciplines have contributed to the Women’s Movements. Feminist historians have followed the inequities and basis of discrimination of abuse within patriarchal societies. Feminist social scientists have exposed the ways sociocultural abuse works and its consequences among different groups within society.

Feminist psychologists have found ways that individual women have been wounded by society. Their work has pointed out that gender inequality comes from early childhood experiences. They have also addressed beliefs about stereotyping men to be masculine and women as feminine and how this has translated into men being seen and treated as powerful and women weak. This gender viewpoint has led to a social system dominated by males which has strongly influenced our psycho-sexual development. Feminist psychologists have shifted the emphasis from sexual difference to gender and this has greatly influenced feminist theory and psychology.

Feminist theologians have sought for a way for women to live a fulfilling spiritual life. Religion has perpetuated the abuse of women by separating them from their most sacred beliefs. The dominance of men and submission of women and children extends to the worship of male deities. This discrimination has gone so far as to exclude women from participating as leaders in the Church. Women’s connection to spirit has been cast apart, which has furthered a break with their relationship this central aspect of their lives.

Feminist literary theory before the 1970’s was concerned with the politics of women’s authorship and the representation of women’s condition within literature. Since the arrival of more complex conceptions of gender and subjectivity, feminist literary criticism has taken a variety of new routes.

As women have told their truth and stories, the world has not been the same. We have come to understand the lies we were being told about our lives, our families and our society. Our abusers turned out to be the very people and institutions that were supposed to have had our best interests at heart and protect us.

Telling the truth about our victimization and being aware of our collusion with it is empowering us. Stopping the isolation and realizing that others share our abuse is expanding and changing our perceptions and opening up possibilities for further healing. As we recognize this shared experience we are able to face the ways we have internalized our own oppression.

Our subordinate, sexually stereotyped role in society is slowly changing. The abusive atrocities women around the world are suffering is being brought into our collective awareness. In order to continue the work of the many women who have pioneered our rights before us, we must diligently pay attention and keep conscious of the many messages and behaviors of the discrimination of women that are still present in our world today. We must stay awake and break the silence about civilizations best- kept secret.

TRANSFORMING THE HOLIDAYS

When I think of Christmas, the first picture that comes into my mind is a candlelight church service when I was 5 years old. My mother is playing the organ. She is seated in the front of the church in an elevated position at the center of everything. I am trying my best to sit still with the other angels in the front pew so as not to knock off my halo. My sister has the serious look of a child with too much responsibility as she watches over the plastic baby Jesus. My brother saunters aimlessly down the aisle carrying one of the gifts of the Wise Men, with pubescent disinterest. His size 13 tennis shoes and white socks stick out from underneath his burgundy choir robe. My dad is sitting way in the back of the church and when the singing stops, to my mother’s horror, everyone hears him snoring.

I was always confused but curious about my mother’s sense of atonement to her Protestant Mid-Western church. For example, why did she play the organ every Sunday for over 30 years without missing even once? As a child, I wasn’t aware that the beliefs being passed down from the church were having such a strong influence in shaping my consciousness and life. What, you may ask, does a budding young feminist lesbian, growing up in a small rural farming community in the center of the country glean out of her early Christian indoctrination?

First and foremost, I learned to sacrifice myself. (My mother exemplified this virtue to the highest.) The more I made others happy and gave myself up, the better I was liked. Taking care of myself was considered selfish. The important thing was what others thought and needed. Many models showed me time and again how the less I knew about my feelings, the better I could tune into others’ needs.

This led to the next lesson: the necessity of being “nice”. Being nice was a requirement for girls and women. Boys and men appeared to have an entirely different value system and set of behaviors they seemed to follow. With my feelings squelched and my needs buried, I gave in and lived as a chameleon.

When I paid total attention to others, I received high praise. I began to believe that I could actually anticipate people’s needs before they knew they had them. I thought I could even read their minds. I became skilled at the fine art of being aware of everything that was going on with other people. On the one hand, the more I sacrificed myself, the more praise I received. This gave me the illusion of having power and worth. On the other hand, by giving myself up, my self-esteem did not develop identity, power, or worth.

I learned the seriousness of never telling anyone anything my family. This necessity of secrets created a gigantic chasm between my unknown inner life and the extreme focus on the external I was being taught. I knew from an early age that my belonging or being forever rejected by my family demanded meticulous diligence. The only outcome I could imagine if I wasn’t perfect with these expectations would be that my family or I would probably die. I could not take that risk.

The world felt too confining and oppressive for my young spirit. Rules, shame, guilt and belittling were the foundation of my life. I did not resonate with the teachings that had evolved from the religious doctrine that had become a way of life for my family and the community we lived in. They had been handed down from generation to generation without question. I became increasingly aware of how this way of living distanced people from themselves, each other and me. I was being weighed down by the burden of all this, believed I had no worth, felt belittled as a female and overpowered as a child.

Like most little Christian children, I associated Christmas with Santa Clause and getting presents. I made no connections with the birth of Jesus or even church as having any bearing on my holiday. I totally missed the essence this annual ritual had within the life of the church.

I was 5 years old and it was Christmas Eve. I was anxiously anticipating going to my aunt and uncle’s house for candy, presents and Santa. Everyone was getting ready to go to church. I did not want to go to church and try to sit still and keep my wings and halo intact. I didn’t want to put on a dress. The only thing that got me out of the house was being allowed to wear my red cowboy boots. “Why do we have to go to church tonight?” I asked. “For your mother”, my father replied, “We’ll go and have Christmas as soon as church is over.”

That night I had a full-blown experience of the shallowness and lie of Christmas. We finally got to my aunt’s house. I remember being upset after awhile when my father disappeared. I could tell many of the adults and older kids thought my distress was cute and funny. When Santa knocked on the door and came in wearing my father’s glasses, I was not fooled. I felt as though I had been punched in the stomach. I vividly remember this incident as the first time in my life I felt I had been lied to, betrayed and abandoned. I would not accept the present he offered me. I lost my Faith that night.

After that, I never trusted my family or the church again. Of course, I had to go through the motions in order to survive. My questions and doubts, that had no place in their world, became part of my secret inner life. In my sacred inner universe there was enormous potential for bigger beliefs, truth, total acceptance and unconditional love. So, at an early age I became a seeker. In hindsight, I am glad the unbearable tension existed because it makes me grateful now that I had enough tenacity and courage to walk away on my own path.

I was determined to sort out my own beliefs. I had no idea how long it would take me to dig deep enough to readjust the very dirt around the roots of those foundational beliefs, but my commitment was passionate and pure. After many years of searching, I realized that the majority of what I learned in my youth, including my choices, perceptions, values, and my ability to protect and take care of myself, were all distorted. This ingrained way of thinking had, in fact, created the unhealthy patterns that caused me the most difficult and pain in my adult life while challenging, testing and helping me grow.

It is no wonder that people feel so much stress around the holidays. Do we have to leave our healthy selves at home and act like our families think we should? Do we have to spend our holidays separated from our partners because of our families' unresolved feelings and judgmental attitudes? Do we have to lose our voices, ignore our feelings, have no needs, or pretend we are not ourselves?

I face the upcoming holiday with dragging feet. I feel it would be impossible for me now to re-create the outdated, unhealthy rituals from my childhood. I want to celebrate humanity and all the spiritual beliefs in the world. I want to joyously love with an open heart. I long to be with people who see, appreciate and enjoy me for who I am. I want to be with my partner, feeling relaxed and safe, knowing without a doubt we are not in an environment where people are pretending to accept and respect our relationship.

I want to take a walk in the snow, really experiencing the Spirit of the season. In the silence, when the moon reflects on the sparkling snow, in my lover’s smile, I need to be able to connect my inner essence with all that is. I want to forget everything I ever learned and abandon myself to the profound love that is Greater than me. Then, and only then, will I celebrate the true meaning of the holiday.

I intend to spend the entire season looking at the world through my own eyes. I want to listen to myself, stay true to my own beliefs, love and be loved, give and receive graciously. I look forward to being grateful and feeling the wonder of being alive. I want to experience the incredible abundance of joy and light that exists. I do not want to be worrying if my halo will fall off. It already has!

INTERNALIZED HOMOPHOBIA

I would like to address a very challenging and oppressive issue lesbians encounter. The issue is homophobia. Facing this complicated interwoven system of thinking, so prevalent in our society, is essential to empowering our identity, our relationships, and our quality of life. Regardless of the number of successful, or unsuccessful, coping mechanisms we utilize with our conscious awareness to deal with or deny its presence, it is always there and active in our psyches and in our world.

Homophobia is a term used to describe the fear of, aversion to, or discrimination against homosexuality or homosexuals. It can also mean hatred, hostility, disapproval of, or prejudice towards homosexuals, or homosexual behavior. The term is frequently used in academic and scientific journals, but homophobia is not a clinical phobia. There are people who disagree with any usage of the concept homophobia and several dictionaries characterize this type of fear irrational.

The concept of homophobia was first introduced by psychologist George Weinberg in his 1972 book Society and the Healthy Homosexual. It was published one year before the American Psychiatric Association voted to remove homosexuality from its list of mental disorders.

In recent years some people have tried to introduce new terms such as heterosexism because it doesn’t have the association with a phobia. Heterosexism refers to the privileging of heterosexuality over homosexuality. Recent psychological literature has suggested the term homonegitivity to differentiate between fear-based thinking instead of reflecting disapproval of homosexuality.

Gregory Herek, seeking to avoid both focus on individual psychology of “homophobia” and the collective cultural factors of “heterosexism” has proposed the term “sexual prejudice”, referring to “all negative attitudes based on sexual orientation, whether the target is homosexual, bisexual, or heterosexual.”

In a 1998 address, Coretta Scott King asserted that, “Homophobia is like racism and anti-Semitism and other forms of bigotry in that is seeks to dehumanize a large group of people, to deny their humanity, their dignity and personhood.”

Various psychoanalytic theories explain homophobia as a threat to an individual’s same-sex identity, which can cause repression, denial, depression, confusion and numerous health issues. This form of homophobia is called “internalized homophobia”. It occurs when a person who is gay feels that being homosexual is wrong or immoral. Internalized homophobia produces uncomfortable feelings when a lesbian is unable to accept and love herself as a homosexual. We usually associate this experience with “being in the closet”. There may be times when being "out" is safe and comfortable and other situations when a decision is made to not share who we are. When these feelings are present, we can be riddled with the frightening perception that we are not normal. This activates an uncomfortable split in our psyches and forces our lesbian identity into our unconscious.

When lesbians are in the closet, two distinct forces are at play. Entrophobia is the fear or discomfort with your own sexuality. Entrophobia creates a lot of torment. Negative voices shouting internalized homophobic judgments in your head berate you unmercifully for being attracted to woman. The fear and interference this produces can sabotage many areas of your life if not made conscious. Damaging your sense of self is the most serious consequence of feeling unconsciously uncomfortable with your sexuality. Some of the symptoms of entrophobia commonly experienced are guilt, inadequacy, anger and depression.

The other force at play when you are “in the closet” is xenophobia. Xenophobia is the fear of being different. It is usually experienced as a fear of parental or social rejection. The way this works in our psyches is that we unconsciously feel different in an unacceptable way. The excessive fear of being unacceptable and the possibility of being abandoned can lead to powerful self-doubt accompanied by feelings of shame, guilt, fear, and anxiety. Not being able to fulfill parental and societal expectations can have a paralyzing and debilitating effect on self-esteem. Unconsciously feeling bad about feeling different can create havoc in all areas of life.

It is much simpler to project our unconscious fears outside of ourselves onto parents, people at work, and society than to deal with the personal homophobia that is torturing us inside. It feels safer to criticize these external views that are threatening us. We are bombarded everyday by hetero-centric themes, images, and stories, so much so, that it has become a hardwired notion in most of us that being heterosexual is the only way to be. After all, our social homophobic environment explicitly or implicitly supposes everyone is heterosexual.

From the hetero-centric point of view, anyone who doesn’t fit into this mold is considered deviant. This makes homophobia lurk within lesbians, while perceiving that it is coming from the outside. After all, we were raised with our family’s beliefs, religious values and within the homophobic environment of our culture and society. It is likely when we were growing up, most people didn’t even think about homosexuality. Their prejudices remain to this day in their unconscious as core beliefs. The familiarity of being immersed in this way of thinking influences us as well. If we let these beliefs go unquestioned, we are extremely vulnerable to negative self-talk and denial of our true selves. It also makes us easy targets for other people’s judgments.

Internalized homophobia brings insecurity and intolerance. There are many ways our unconscious homophobia manifests. Probably the most common one is “passing”. This happens whenever we dress and act as if we are heterosexual. Another way is avoiding being seen with lesbians who are “out” for fear of being discovered by association. Failing to share things in our lives creates a wall of protection that can hide our discomfort. Feeling superior to heterosexual women by rejecting them or believing that lesbians are no different from them can be another coping mechanism. Having huge out-of-proportion negative feelings about lesbians as parents, artificial insemination, and bi-sexual, lesbian, gay or transgender people is another way the intolerance of our unconscious internalized homophobia appears.

One of the problems in recognizing our struggles with internalized homophobia is that it is something we rarely talk about. The isolation this produces, keeps us locked in our own loop, with no way out. Lesbians often feel shame even having these feelings. This makes the topic seem out of the question to talk about with other lesbians. The fear of being rejected by society pales when doubts and self-hatred for being a lesbian emerge in the company of other lesbians.

One important way healing can begin for lesbians is to establish a safe forum within our community to be able to talk about internalized homophobia. We do not have to face these feelings alone. Every lesbian struggles with these learned beliefs. Heterosexuals also need to open their minds and hearts to better understand. We are dealing with a collective issue that will continue to create confusion and pain for everyone until it is dealt with.

In order to live in a healthy way, it is so important for lesbians to become conscious of the deep scars remaining from growing up with all the disapproving homophobic messages sent by our families, schools, churches and society. We deserve a safe and comfortable world where we can be happy, live authentically and feel proud of whom we are. Separating from our learned way of thinking will help us discover our own belief systems and values. This awareness can help us live a more authentic and empowered life. Being able to validate and celebrate being a lesbian is the path to a healthy self-identity.

Once our awareness becomes conscious and integrated, the opinions of others will no longer carry the power they do now. This will make it possible to let them have their unresolved homophobic beliefs without taking them on as our own. It will put us in the position of offering them positive role models and let them have a new experience of lesbians as we live our lives in a secure balanced way.

Mary Oliver, one of my favorite poets and winner of the Pulitzer Prize for Poetry, included in her book Dream Work, a poem that beautifully captures the struggle, the understanding and the hope for our transformation of internalized homophobia.

WILD GEESE

You do not have to be good.
You do not have o walk on your knees
For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
Love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
Are moving across the landscapes,
Over the prairies and the deep trees,
The mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
Are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
The world offers itself to your imagination,
Calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting—
Over and over announcing your place
In the family of things.

A Tribute To Matthew Shepard

On October 12, 1998, Matthew Shepard, a student at the University of Wyoming, died after being brutally attacked in what was reported by news media as a hate crime because of his homosexuality. His friends and family described him as a friendly and outgoing young man who had great passion for equality. He was someone who always stood up for the acceptance of peoples’ differences.

Ellen DeGeneres, a courageous lesbian who is highly visible and loved by many in our society, hosted his memorial service in Washington, D.C. There was an enormous outpouring of public outrage both nationally and around the world at this hideous tragedy. The event challenged millions of people to stop and think about hate crimes in all its forms. Matthew’s torturous death changed the way we think about, talk about, and deal with hate and judgment. The incident continues to have a strong influence on our awareness and growing consciousness.

Throughout recorded History, homosexual activity has been repressed by certain governing groups and members of society under punishment of torture, mutilation, death and social ostracism. Laws to this effect were in force in Europe from the fifth to the twentieth centuries, and is still practiced in Muslim countries today. Homosexuals were killed in staggering numbers during the Holocaust by the Nazi Germans. Between 1996-2001 the Taliban in Afghanistan eliminated homosexuals. Countries where homosexuality is still punishable by death in present-day include Iran, Mauritania, Nigeria, Pakistan, Saudi Arabia, Sudan, United Arab Emirates, and Yemen.

It is no wonder than so many gay, lesbian, bi-sexual and transgender people have hidden their identity and found safety by "passing" or staying “in the closet”. In recent years large numbers of GLBTs have become part of a movement that has created more visibility, unity and solidarity and has begun to normalize different domestic choices in society. It is no surprise that Matthew, growing up as this movement was gaining momentum, felt he could publicly be who he was.

Violence against LGBT people can include threats, physical and/or sexual assault, rape, torture, attempted murder and murder. These actions come from cultural, religious, or political mores and biases. LGBT attracts hate and hate crimes by individuals or groups, or from government enforcement of laws targeting people who are perceived to be violating heterosexual rules and collective protocols of gender roles. Equating same-sex relationships with sex kindles these presumptionally myopic opinions.

Wikipedia states that in the United States, the FBI reported that 15.6% of hate crimes reported to police in 2004 were founded on perceived sexual orientation. 61% of these attacks were against gay men, 14% against lesbians, 2% against heterosexuals and 1% against bisexuals, while attacks against GLBT people at large made up 20%.

Matthew’s suffering was undeniably the brutal victimization of an innocent human being. One of the things Matthew’s death did to challenge public awareness about hate, judgment and issues of diversity was to bring to the forefront moral questions about the meaning of equality and human rights.

The GLBT Movement has made headway in recent years in some states addressing the human rights of those who live a same-sex lifestyle or identify themselves as GLBT. The power from the Gay Movement has forced society to address their resistance to giving equal rights to all people. It has created heated and rousing conversations that has resulted in a small smattering of acceptance and a lot more awareness. The resistance has exposed the hatred that exists toward anyone different from the privileged, close-minded few who believe the illusion that their opinions define and control society. It has publicly exposed their attitudes and disregard for the existence and acceptance of all people.

The resistance against gays is personal, political and has its foundation largely in religious beliefs. The current gay issues have pressured churches with questions like denying gay clergy to serve as leaders. The polarity created by gay issues has been so severe in many denominations that it has actually split large congregations. Churches have struggled to figure out what to do with gay parishioners. Some have rejected and alienated them from practicing their faith. This has been a hypocritical and embarrassing exposure of their lack of inclusion and judgment upon which their entire doctrine is professed to be built.

Both church and state are in a struggle against the gay movement. As we gather strength in numbers, have and adopt children, occupy positions in politics and places of leadership in religion, and occupy a stance that we are not going away and deserve to be treated equally and fairly, the issues are heating up. It is the Gay Movement's time to push forward with determination and persistence for our rights. The Gay Movement is following in the footsteps of the Civil Rights Movement and the Women's Movement when they fought and won their rights to be treated as human beings.

Matthew’s murder has brought national attention to the issue of hate legislation at state and national levels. On March 20,2007 The Matthew Shepard Act was introduced as federal bipartisan legislation in the United States Senate. Its purpose was to extend hate crimes to include gay and lesbian individuals, women, and people with disabilities. The bill passed the House of Representatives on May 3rd, 2007. Similar legislation is expected to pass in the Senate. President Bush has indicated, however, that he may veto the legislation if it reaches his desk.

I had the privilege of hearing Matthew Shepard’s mother speak on a university women’s studies circuit not long after he was murdered. I was surprised to find the theatre packed with people who had come to hear her. She spoke softly, yet deliberately. I was struck with her candidness, her authenticity, and her wisdom. It was clear that she was committed to using the untimely loss of her son to make a difference in the world.

She began by sharing with us the letter she had read to the jury before the two young men who tortured her son were sentenced for Matthew’s murder. The letter’s intent was to present Matthew as a person who was deeply loved by his parents, his brother, other relatives, countless friends and his community. It mentioned the dreams he had for his life, his thoughtfulness and kindness, his passion to live life fully. The letter addressed her loss as his mother, and how this loss had transformed everything in her life.

Then she talked with moving compassion about the families of the two young abusers, whose lives were also devastated by their children’s actions. With much soul searching, Judy Shepard and her husband had chosen not to hate the men who had murdered their son. They had come to the conclusion that if they hated these men, the hatred would perpetuate their grieving and produce the very same caustic attitude that had fueled the young men’s conduct. Then they would be filled with hate and victimizers too. Their courageous and inspirationaly loving stance on this influenced the judge's decision. He spared the men from being sentenced to the death penalty. They were sentenced instead to life imprisonment.

Following the letter, she continued her talk by sharing stories of Matthew’s “coming out.” Though her stories were filled with warmth and humor, her message was strong: Everyone must exercise their right to be who they are. We can’t expect people to accept us if we are ashamed to show who we are. This is the only way things will change. It is dangerous to continue to hide.

She challenged society’s part in creating a culture and climate that could allow such hate crimes. She reminded us that we, as Americans, were all victims of the hate crime known as 9/11. She emphasized that those who understand the destruction that can come from hating others must come forward and show all those who are stuck in fear-based thinking that it is NOT acceptable to hate.

Judy Shepard’s message challenged the current attitude, which she described as the "old way of thinking". Experiencing her high level of love and genuine acceptance, I could sense she was helping those of us in the audience see the world in a new way. She spoke of the transformative power that could be brought to the world if hating others was eliminated.

She posed the question of what might happen if every person felt free enough to be all they could be. She pondered about what would happen if we stopped projecting our fears onto women, the poor, gays, and people of color, different religions, and other countries. She challenged us to consider owning our part in creating human suffering. She wondered if owning our own hatred and replacing it with acceptance and love, would change the world to a place of global unity, care, support and peace.

She went on to say that each time we judge someone who is different from us and treat them with hatred, we add to the collective darkness. Every time we do not allow ourselves to be who we are, we push our light into the shadows and give power to the collective darkness.

Judy Shepard’s commitment to educate people through her speaking engagements promotes a greater understanding of gay issues, diversity, and hateful crimes of violence. She is an inspiring woman who is fully living who she is and courageously standing up to speak her truth. Her presence goes far beyond her words in delivering an enormously empowering, light-bearing message.

Judy Shepard set up the Matthew Shepard Foundation. I highly recommend you view it. The web page exudes love, inspiration, compassion and hope. It deserves to be read and shared with others. It is uplifting to see all the positive things they are doing to promote awareness about the issues of the oppression of homosexuals and hate crimes that Matthew’s death brought to the attention of the world.

In remembering Matthew Shepard, it is imperative that we do not forget the valuable awakening his life and death has given us. We need to acknowledge the awareness his suffering brought to everyone in the world. We must not be complacent about giving people of diversity the same rights as every other human being.

Many people have been inspired by the issues provoked by Matthew's murder. They have found ways to honor and express their feelings through art, songs, writing, plays and movies. Three movies: The Laramie Project (based on a play by the same name), The Matthew Shepard Story, and Anatomy of a Hate Crime and countless other creative projects have given us a wealth of material to help us remember what we must not forget.

Our challenge is to live in a way that respects and does not harm others. Each one of us needs to honestly examine any beliefs we have that might interfere with our living from a place of compassion and caring for all life. This can begin to change the current and prevalent acceptance of violence. We must start with understanding and expressing this within ourselves before it can move through the family, our nation and the world. Each of us has the capacity and responsibility to live and share in compassionate nonviolence.

We need to develop a more expansive perspective of looking at things from other's points of view. What would it take to understand that we are all part of the same world? Just as in a family, when one person or group of people is suffering, they are merely revealing and expressing what is not working in the entire situation. The problem is systemic and everyone has a part in its breaking down. When something as important as human rights is so unfair and damaged in society, we each need to do our part to address the problem and find a solution. Each of us is part of the whole. By respecting each other we could live peacefully in the Oneness of shared humanity.

The bottom line for everyone when it comes to violence, hatred, hate crimes, and judgment of diversity is that we are all human. Every person on this planet has the potential and capability to occupy that truth and not harm others with our thoughts or actions. Then we can evolve toward an accepting world.

When we feel judgment and hatred, it is our opportunity to look deeply and honestly within ourselves for the source of the intolerance. Progress starts with each one of us. Hatred and all it destroys can only change when we love life and everyone who is different from us with an open heart. Then Matthew’s death will not have been in vain.

What About Lesbian’s Kids?

My son showed me a letter from one of his high school teachers. He had asked her for a letter recommending him to National Honor Society, which exemplifies excellence in scholarship, leadership, character and service.

The letter was glowing. As I read the first page I was pleased me to see how well she had recognized his dedication, passion and spirit. When I got to the second page, however, I found myself stuck on a paragraph so disturbing that all I could do was read and re-read it.

“…sometimes his peers have ridiculed him for unconventional domestic living arrangements. It appears to have made him stronger and yet he seems to not turn cold to the humans who surround him.”

I was shocked and concerned. As a psychotherapist and a parent, my son's emotional development had always been a priority. My primary focus for the seventeen years I’d been a mother was to provide a healthy, steady, loving environment for my son.

As I read her statement again, my awareness expanded to include the challenges for all children who have “different” living situations. These children have to constantly deal with the ignorance and prejudicial attitudes of people and society.

There are many children who fall into this category. What about children whose parents have divorced and have two families with which they are navigating back and forth? What about children of different or mixed races or religions? Consider the children who are not Christian who are inundated with all the bustle of the Christmas season? How about the children who have had a parent die? What about children who are adopted or in foster care? What about children whose mother conceived them through artificial insemination?

Don't people realize that these kids are who and where they are because of adults' decisions? The children had no choice. They need to be supported and encouraged, not defined, judged and ostracized by their circumstances.

I was trying to calm down and collect my thoughts and feelings when the mail arrived. On the front cover of Newsweek Magazine was Melissa Etheridge and her pregnant partner with the caption: “CAN GAY FAMILIES GAIN ACCEPTANCE/ WHAT IT’S LIKE FOR THE KIDS”.

The article, by Barbara Kantrowitz, spoke of the emergence of gay parents who are coming out of hiding and attempting to find a place for their families in the mainstream of society. She estimated that there were 6 million to 14 million children in this country with at least one gay parent.

I jumped ahead to the part of the article that addressed the effect of a lesbian lifestyle on the kids. Kantrowitz said, “There are no long-term studies available of what the effects of growing up in such a family might be. In a comprehensive 1992 summary of studies of gay parenting, it was concluded that the children are just as well adjusted (for example, they do not have any more psychological problems and do just as well in school) as the offspring of heterosexual parents.”

As I thought about children living non-traditional lifestyles and the challenges they face, my curiosity about my son's experiences increased. I needed to hear from him how he had been treated by teachers, peers and other adults, his feelings, and how he had handled them. He was very open about sharing with me that through the years his teachers had been the most uncomfortable with his living environment. None had been direct with him, but many had inferred their critical opinions through puritanical expressions of pity or concern. Well-meaning teachers had offered comments to him over the years such as his “needing male role models” because of his ‘home life’.” He had found this humiliating. His peers had always been quite accepting, he felt, because he was.

“Actually,” he said, “I am very grateful you are a lesbian. You have the courage to be who you are, so I can too! I have no doubts about whether or not you would approve of whoever I am or whatever choices I might make in my life. That is a tremendous freedom that my friends don’t have.”

I was deeply impressed with my son's awareness that other people's opinions were about them. His maturity and wisdom in the face of these challenges inspired me. I was still upset and knew that I needed to work through my feelings. I had a strong desire to understand what this situation had triggered in me and to resolve it inside myself. Only then could I even begin to find an approach of communicating my concerns with his teacher or anyone, that would be constructive and have a positive outcome.

Why had this teacher's letter put me into such a defensive stance? Was I being insensitive on the other end of the spectrum, assuming that the people my son encountered in the world would be as open and comfortable with my lifestyle as I am? Is the only way to help our children thrive in society at this time to try to mainstream and copy a traditional family? Isn't this giving our children the message that they are not okay, or that the adults they love have something wrong with them? What can we, as parents and adults in contact with children from diverse backgrounds and situations do to support these societal challenges we all face?

During this time I ran across a sentence in a movie review by Mona Smith. “Within the Native American Community, homosexuality was traditionally associated with the power to bridge worlds.”

I was struck by the truth of these words. They brought me into a deeper understanding about the opportunity for awareness these children from "not-the-norm" homes were providing. People who either had not encountered or given thought to the children's circumstances were coming face to face with a new world. The changes in our global community were making the beliefs about "us and them", being "different", and discriminating against someone who is not like yourself, obsolete. These children really did have the power to bridge worlds by bringing consciousness about “diversity” out into the open.

When I got to the place within myself where I felt no animosity, anger or point to prove, I was ready to have a dialogue with my son's teacher. I decided to start our conversation at the place where we were both totally invested: concern for my son’s emotional well-being. Through our compassionate and honest conversation we both agreed that unexamined judgment creates fear and separation. Humanity’s hope for change can come through the children who know and live the oneness of diversity.

I know that my son and other children like him, simply by being who they are, are offering the world a powerful and vitally important chance to understand their judgement about people who are different from themselves. Those who are open enough to face the challenge of change and the new awareness that brings, will move us all closer to another definition of “family”.

Born A Lesbian

I was born a lesbian. When I was growing up in the Midwest in the ‘50s, there were no points of reference being offered for lesbians. There were no concepts, no visibility, no vocabulary, not any women living together but chastised “old maids”.

Still, I insisted on wearing my cowboy boots to church with my pink frilly dress (my sister, the redhead, got to wear blue). I delighted in spending time with other girls. I adored my women teachers. I got furious when I had to follow the dress code and wear skirts to school starting in the 3rd grade. I had no use for dolls and preferred stuffed animals. I loved sports and was disappointed at the limited opportunities offered to girls as compared to the heroic numbers of possibilities given the boys.

There has always been a huge controversy about the origin of homosexuality. Some argue that being gay is a matter of choice or a reaction to abuse as a child. Some feel justified to believe that it is “phase” that will hopefully quickly pass”. Then there are the few who insist it is not a choice, but biology.

So, I was not surprised when researchers announced that they had found the first strong evidence of a physical difference between lesbians and straight women. Leave it to science to discover that the inner ears of lesbians function more like those of men.

In a study published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, researchers from the University of Sciences at Austin reported that they found the inner ears of lesbians showed “masculinization” and dared to conjecture that it could possibly be from certain hormone exposure before birth. They made the leap to suggest “since their auditory centers have been masculinized the presumption is that so have the sites in the brain that direct sexual preference.”

Molecular biologists around the world have been making headway in search for specific parts of DNA that contribute to particular behaviors. In Bethesda, Maryland in 1993 at the National Cancer Institute, a variation was discovered on the X chromosome in 33 out of 40 pairs of brothers who were gay. This evidence suggested that genes might play a part in sexual orientation. Other institutions, however, had mixed results when trying to replicate these findings. A comparable variation has not yet been found for lesbians.

In the inner ear study, a key sound amplifier measured the function of the cochlea. Women were found to be more sensitive than men, making it possible to hear very soft sounds. The test results indicated that lesbians had responses significantly weaker than heterosexual women. The response between gay and straight men was even weaker. Scientists predicted that by the year 2005 they would have mapped the entire sequence of human genes. This work was either been abandoned, under-funded, or kept from the world.

What difference would it make if scientists truly discovered a biological explanation for sexual orientation? Would I be able to have my relationship sanctified by the church and state? Would I be able to be on my partner’s health insurance plan? Would I love more confidently or differently? Would my family feel less guilty about doing “something wrong” or would they relax and love me for who I am?

I honestly don’t know if my hearing is appreciably better or worse that heterosexual women’s. I don’t know why I feel “at home” with women and not as comfortable being in relationships with men. I do believe being a lesbian is not simply about sexual preference or hearing. Being a lesbian contains many aspects of being in the world that better expresses who we are as women. So is it nature or nurture? Who knows? All I know for certain is that I was born a lesbian.