Being Outed at 65

I moved to another part of the country from where I had been living a number of years ago after a difficult breakup with my partner of 15 years. When I arrived at my new home I knew no one. So, I made the conscious choice not to share anything of my past with anyone. No one knew I was a psychotherapist, a musician, a maskmaker an artist, a Ph.D. They did know I was a lesbian. They did know I had 3 Tibetan Spaniels and they knew I lived with a dog breeder/judge. 

This choice for privacy was a good one as it let me heal and recover from the trauma I had experienced. It allowed me the luxury of letting my healing to be an inner process. I did not have to explain or share my process outside of myself at all. This encouraged me to move from a challenging psychological process to a spiritual one. It was a good decision.

When I moved to Colorado 4 years ago I was re-united with friends from when I had lived here from '78 to '90. These friends knew everything about me and had kept in touch through the 20 plus years I had been gone. We continued our friendship where we had left off and I loved every minute of it. I had an instant support system. 

I also began making new friends. Only one, a lesbian herself, knew about my being a lesbian. All the others were met in different contexts and my lesbian identity never seemed to be a factor. I  am comfortable being a lesbian. In fact, I love the fact that I love woman. But, I also love being a grandmother, an Elder, a writer, a musician, a maskmaker, a mother, a sister, a friend. So after spending eight years prior to Colorado not sharing--it did not seem odd to keep my own council about my being a lesbian.

Last weekend I had a party for my 65th birthday. I invited a circle of 12 women--some my long-term friends and others new ones. I had requested that each come with a story. It seemed important to hear aspects and things from different parts of my life. 

The first one to tell their story was my lesbian friend. She started out telling about how we had met and how excited she was when she found out I was a lesbian. Oops! Oh no, I thought! I wondered how my new friends would feel not knowing such a big part of my life? How could I be friends with them and omit being a lesbian?

After I had time to reflect I realized several things. One is that I feel I have learned to set boundaries with my personal life. Not revealing everything is how you create privacy. That seems like a good thing. Another thing I became aware of is that at my age I am not as invested in being identified as a lesbian or any one thing. I am comfortable if people know or not. So far, no one has batted an eye...

Living "In" A Heterosexual Community

I know being a lesbian is an identity marker. I know not being in a relationship does not negate who you are. I know that serial relationships create an easy identity as a lesbian. What I am having difficulty fathoming is how to get back to identifying myself as a lesbian when I am not in a relationship for a long time.

Never have I hidden my identity. I am fortunate to always have been comfortable being open about being a lesbian and “out”. As a therapist specializing in women’s issues, my being “out” became a role model for women. I found myself in the roles of a mentor and guide to lesbians.

Where I live now I am in a community that is oblivious of lesbians. Never do I see anyone who is openly “out”. Especially in my apartment building I notice all the residents are heterosexual and completely unaware of my lesbianism. I wonder if I am hiding out? Lesbian and gay comments are made and referred to and I sit quietly and “take it”. Am I just taking a retreat from being so publicly “out” for most of my life?

Sometimes I wonder why I am hiding? I wonder how not putting myself out as a lesbian affects my life? Do I believe hiding is safer? Do I not want to be shunned and rejected? What makes me think that would happen?

My concern is losing my identity as a lesbian. Not being in a relationship for a long period of time gives me a weakening sense of this. When I was in relationships with women not only did the relationship remind me constantly but gave everyone else a measure to reflect back I was a lesbian.

I am aware that my identity was present from birth. I spent many years catching up to this fact. When I finally figured out that I was a lesbian, everything in my life clicked into place and made sense. All of this happened without being in a relationship.

Now though, I feel so non-sexual and happy with my life as a single person. Not being surrounded with lesbians and living in a totally heterosexual world is challenging to find things that would help me identify as a lesbian. I am conscious of my situation and yet, I find it puzzling to go for days and weeks without even thinking about my identity as a lesbian.

It makes me curious about the lesbians who never have an actual relationship. How do they keep track of their identity? Is the wanting to be in a relationship with a woman so burning and forefront in their minds it curses through their being every day?

Am I not taking responsibility for what I have believed in for the last forty years? Is not being “out” a cop-out? Does it really matter? I do know and remember who I am. What would happen if I took the step and became publicly “out”. What would be the point? 

I think it doesn’t matter to my identity what other people think or know. I am actually enjoying the privacy. It is not a secret. I would admit to being a lesbian whole-heartedly and freely. But, for now, I am the resident lesbian in private. And that, for now, is actually fine with me.