Being Outed at 65

I moved to another part of the country from where I had been living a number of years ago after a difficult breakup with my partner of 15 years. When I arrived at my new home I knew no one. So, I made the conscious choice not to share anything of my past with anyone. No one knew I was a psychotherapist, a musician, a maskmaker an artist, a Ph.D. They did know I was a lesbian. They did know I had 3 Tibetan Spaniels and they knew I lived with a dog breeder/judge. 

This choice for privacy was a good one as it let me heal and recover from the trauma I had experienced. It allowed me the luxury of letting my healing to be an inner process. I did not have to explain or share my process outside of myself at all. This encouraged me to move from a challenging psychological process to a spiritual one. It was a good decision.

When I moved to Colorado 4 years ago I was re-united with friends from when I had lived here from '78 to '90. These friends knew everything about me and had kept in touch through the 20 plus years I had been gone. We continued our friendship where we had left off and I loved every minute of it. I had an instant support system. 

I also began making new friends. Only one, a lesbian herself, knew about my being a lesbian. All the others were met in different contexts and my lesbian identity never seemed to be a factor. I  am comfortable being a lesbian. In fact, I love the fact that I love woman. But, I also love being a grandmother, an Elder, a writer, a musician, a maskmaker, a mother, a sister, a friend. So after spending eight years prior to Colorado not sharing--it did not seem odd to keep my own council about my being a lesbian.

Last weekend I had a party for my 65th birthday. I invited a circle of 12 women--some my long-term friends and others new ones. I had requested that each come with a story. It seemed important to hear aspects and things from different parts of my life. 

The first one to tell their story was my lesbian friend. She started out telling about how we had met and how excited she was when she found out I was a lesbian. Oops! Oh no, I thought! I wondered how my new friends would feel not knowing such a big part of my life? How could I be friends with them and omit being a lesbian?

After I had time to reflect I realized several things. One is that I feel I have learned to set boundaries with my personal life. Not revealing everything is how you create privacy. That seems like a good thing. Another thing I became aware of is that at my age I am not as invested in being identified as a lesbian or any one thing. I am comfortable if people know or not. So far, no one has batted an eye...