The number of women who have been sexually abused in childhood is staggering and, I believe, much larger than current estimates suggest. Often the memories and feelings don't surface until there is a safe committed relationship where there is support that can be trusted. That means when your partner is a survivor of sexual abuse or incest, you often suffer right along her side.
It is important for you to have an understanding about what is going on. You are going to need to be compassionate and understanding during your partner's healing process. Them seeking out a therapist and perhaps a group and fully engaging in their healing process will show you they are willing to work out what is coming up for them. This takes the pressure off of you being the only support--an unhealthy and stressful position which can cause irreparable damage in your relationship.
In addition to witnessing the pain and anguish she is going through, you may not be able to be intimate with her in the way you wish. Your sex life often suffers when you are partners with a sex abuse survivor. The following are some ideas and suggestions you can do to take care of yourself and support her at the same time.
First, I would highly recommend that you find a therapist or partners of abuse survivors group. You will need your own support system to help you understand and navigate the things that will come up in your relationship and your feelings about it. Putting a support system in place for you gives the relationship the help it will need and assures that your feelings have a place to be heard and listened to.
One thing to remember: you are not your partner's abuser! Even if you sometimes do things that trigger her, that doesn't make you a bad person. Triggers are going to happen--it is a normal part of recognizing and recovering from abuse. You and your partner need to figure out a way to deal with these triggers, and it is important you do not blame yourself if a trigger happens.
I your partner is just coming to terms and beginning the healing process of childhood sexual abuse your relationship is going to change. She is going to be spending a lot of time and energy on her own healing. She might not have the emotional energy to devote to the things in your life. It is important not to minimize what you're going through because you think her need is greater than yours. Make sure you have friends, family and a good support system around.
A difficult fact, especially for lesbians, is that you can not fix her. You can support her and help her through this hard time, but the healing is her job. She will need the help of a qualified professional therapist to guide her through this process. You can never take away what happened to her. You also cannot deny her what she is going through now. The only way for her to heal is to experience her emotions, deal with them and move on.
Educate yourself about sexual abuse and incest. Understanding the healing process will help you be a better support and also make your partner's behavior make sense to you. Without this understanding you can take on a lot of feelings that are not yours or even about you. The Courage To Heal by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis, The Survivor's Guide to Sex by Staci Haines, Can't Touch My Soul: A Guide for Lesbian Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse by Donna Rafanello are all excellent resources.
Some say healing from childhood sexual abuse or incest is a life long process. And it is. That being said, things can and will get better. Usually if will take a couple of years of intense inner work the start to heal from the abuse. This can be a tough time for your relationship, but it can also be a rewarding time.
If your partner is not able to be sexual at this time, continue doing the things you both have enjoyed together. Have dates, get exercise, visit with friends. Take time for yourself, too. Work together with your partner about the ways you can be intimate. If your partner does want a break from being sexual, you deserve to know how long she needs and the way to talk about and honor her process in a timely way for both of you.
You too may be a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. How your partner is dealing with her healing may be different from you. Feel free to share with her what has worked for you, but it may not be what she needs. Don't push her down your path. If you are both survivors of abuse, you will need to work extra hard on your boundaries. Focusing on your own healing process is also imperative.
It is definitely challenging to be in a relationship with someone who has been sexually abused as a child. While difficult, it can also be a tremendous teaching and time of growth for you. You can expect to learn many things about yourself from patience and compassion to you feelings and how they operate. If you truly love your partner, hanging in there in a healthy way while she is in the throws of her healing process can strengthen you and the relationship. If you don't deal with it, avoid triggers, take things personally and "play out" the trauma within the relationship both you and your partner will be hurt and the relationship will have little possibility of surviving.
It is important for you to have an understanding about what is going on. You are going to need to be compassionate and understanding during your partner's healing process. Them seeking out a therapist and perhaps a group and fully engaging in their healing process will show you they are willing to work out what is coming up for them. This takes the pressure off of you being the only support--an unhealthy and stressful position which can cause irreparable damage in your relationship.
In addition to witnessing the pain and anguish she is going through, you may not be able to be intimate with her in the way you wish. Your sex life often suffers when you are partners with a sex abuse survivor. The following are some ideas and suggestions you can do to take care of yourself and support her at the same time.
First, I would highly recommend that you find a therapist or partners of abuse survivors group. You will need your own support system to help you understand and navigate the things that will come up in your relationship and your feelings about it. Putting a support system in place for you gives the relationship the help it will need and assures that your feelings have a place to be heard and listened to.
One thing to remember: you are not your partner's abuser! Even if you sometimes do things that trigger her, that doesn't make you a bad person. Triggers are going to happen--it is a normal part of recognizing and recovering from abuse. You and your partner need to figure out a way to deal with these triggers, and it is important you do not blame yourself if a trigger happens.
I your partner is just coming to terms and beginning the healing process of childhood sexual abuse your relationship is going to change. She is going to be spending a lot of time and energy on her own healing. She might not have the emotional energy to devote to the things in your life. It is important not to minimize what you're going through because you think her need is greater than yours. Make sure you have friends, family and a good support system around.
A difficult fact, especially for lesbians, is that you can not fix her. You can support her and help her through this hard time, but the healing is her job. She will need the help of a qualified professional therapist to guide her through this process. You can never take away what happened to her. You also cannot deny her what she is going through now. The only way for her to heal is to experience her emotions, deal with them and move on.
Educate yourself about sexual abuse and incest. Understanding the healing process will help you be a better support and also make your partner's behavior make sense to you. Without this understanding you can take on a lot of feelings that are not yours or even about you. The Courage To Heal by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis, The Survivor's Guide to Sex by Staci Haines, Can't Touch My Soul: A Guide for Lesbian Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse by Donna Rafanello are all excellent resources.
Some say healing from childhood sexual abuse or incest is a life long process. And it is. That being said, things can and will get better. Usually if will take a couple of years of intense inner work the start to heal from the abuse. This can be a tough time for your relationship, but it can also be a rewarding time.
If your partner is not able to be sexual at this time, continue doing the things you both have enjoyed together. Have dates, get exercise, visit with friends. Take time for yourself, too. Work together with your partner about the ways you can be intimate. If your partner does want a break from being sexual, you deserve to know how long she needs and the way to talk about and honor her process in a timely way for both of you.
You too may be a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. How your partner is dealing with her healing may be different from you. Feel free to share with her what has worked for you, but it may not be what she needs. Don't push her down your path. If you are both survivors of abuse, you will need to work extra hard on your boundaries. Focusing on your own healing process is also imperative.
It is definitely challenging to be in a relationship with someone who has been sexually abused as a child. While difficult, it can also be a tremendous teaching and time of growth for you. You can expect to learn many things about yourself from patience and compassion to you feelings and how they operate. If you truly love your partner, hanging in there in a healthy way while she is in the throws of her healing process can strengthen you and the relationship. If you don't deal with it, avoid triggers, take things personally and "play out" the trauma within the relationship both you and your partner will be hurt and the relationship will have little possibility of surviving.
