I know
being a lesbian is an identity marker. I know not being in a relationship does
not negate who you are. I know that serial relationships create an easy
identity as a lesbian. What I am having difficulty fathoming is how to get back
to identifying myself as a lesbian when I am not in a relationship for a long
time.
Never
have I hidden my identity. I am fortunate to always have been comfortable being
open about being a lesbian and “out”. As a therapist specializing in women’s
issues, my being “out” became a role model for women. I found myself in the
roles of a mentor and guide to lesbians.
Where I
live now I am in a community that is oblivious of lesbians. Never do I see
anyone who is openly “out”. Especially in my apartment building I notice all
the residents are heterosexual and completely unaware of my lesbianism. I wonder
if I am hiding out? Lesbian and gay comments are made and referred to and I sit
quietly and “take it”. Am I just taking a retreat from being so publicly “out”
for most of my life?
Sometimes
I wonder why I am hiding? I wonder how not putting myself out as a lesbian
affects my life? Do I believe hiding is safer? Do I not want to be shunned and
rejected? What makes me think that would happen?
My concern
is losing my identity as a lesbian. Not being in a relationship for a long
period of time gives me a weakening sense of this. When I was in relationships
with women not only did the relationship remind me constantly but gave everyone
else a measure to reflect back I was a lesbian.
I am
aware that my identity was present from birth. I spent many years catching up
to this fact. When I finally figured out that I was a lesbian, everything in my
life clicked into place and made sense. All of this happened without being in a
relationship.
Now
though, I feel so non-sexual and happy with my life as a single person. Not
being surrounded with lesbians and living in a totally heterosexual world is
challenging to find things that would help me identify as a lesbian. I am conscious
of my situation and yet, I find it puzzling to go for days and weeks without even
thinking about my identity as a lesbian.
It makes
me curious about the lesbians who never have an actual relationship. How do
they keep track of their identity? Is the wanting to be in a relationship with
a woman so burning and forefront in their minds it curses through their being
every day?
Am I not
taking responsibility for what I have believed in for the last forty years? Is
not being “out” a cop-out? Does it really matter? I do know and remember who I
am. What would happen if I took the step and became publicly “out”. What would
be the point?
I think it doesn’t matter to my identity what other people think
or know. I am actually enjoying the privacy. It is not a secret. I would admit
to being a lesbian whole-heartedly and freely. But, for now, I am the resident
lesbian in private. And that, for now, is actually fine with me.
