Lesbians have many options when choosing an emotional and sexual lifestyle that best suits their needs. Some of the reasons that can influence this choice are families, society, life goals, the desire to parent, personal growth, healing from a difficult childhood, political beliefs, and self- identity. Often a choice can be made during one period of life and then later change. Some lesbians choose coupling, others prefer to be single and still others make the choice to be in relationships with multiple people.
Monogamy is the custom of having only one mate in a relationship, forming a couple. The word monogamy comes from the Greek word monos, which means one or alone, and gamos, which means marriage or union. Many lesbians search for a partner with whom they can share their life, making a commitment as a couple both sexually and emotionally. They experience being in a couple relationship as a potentially normalizing way to live within our society. Psychological need for physical and emotional closeness and attachment are important functions in monogamous relationships, particularly between two women.
Politically, coupling has created a struggle for feminist lesbians who reject the traditional social norms that oppress women. They seek a way of living that encourages and allows independence and autonomy. These lesbians have a strong need to see themselves as separate individuals within interpersonal relationships. The internal and external pulls between coupling and independence contribute to breakups, serial monogamy and nonmonogamy within the lesbian community.
Lesbian nonmonogamy is a form of intimacy in which a woman concurrently engages in sexual and/or emotional relationships with more than one woman. Nonmonogamy is an importan subject in the lesbian community and is one of the most controversial topics regarding current lesbian sexuality (Constaintine). Lesbian nonmomogamy is a diverse phenomenon that either develops as a conscious, planned, alternative to monogamy, or as an unplanned, spontaneous solution to relational conflict and dissatisfaction.
Nonmonogamy can provide a relational structure within which lesbians can gain autonomy and personal power, meet unmet needs, resolve conflicted boundary issues, and grow in personal and interpersonal maturity (Burch). It may also serve as an unconscious strategy either to affirm a primary bond, or to function as a transition out of, or into, a monogamous commitment (Linderbaum). Nonmonogamy can also have a “symbolic” function for individual or coupled lesbians, when simply the discussion of nonmomogamy as an option serves as an individuating boundary, which can enhance the development of self or the development of the couple (Nichols).
One of the main reasons lesbians would choose nonmonogamy has to do with having difficulty recognizing, tolerating and structuring differences between partners due to gender-specific sex-role socialization. This socialization facilitates primary identification with others and discourages differentiation. With lesbian couples, both partners bring to the relationship confusion about differentiation within an intimate relationship (Peplau & Amaro).
One end of this continuum is the desire to merge, or to be as close and as alike as possible. This becomes problematic when differences between partners surface either consciously or unconsciously. At the other end of the continuum is the woman or lesbian couple that pushes away conflict and dependency needs through a false independence or rigid self-sufficiency. Nonmonogamy serves as a vehicle to de-merge the merged individual or couple. It can also act as a transitional step in the development of autonomous boundaries (Krestan & Bepko).
Nonmonogamy is usually lived out in four recognized ways. The first style is known as stable nonmonogamy. It tends to be long-term, consciously planned, have clear role definitions of primary partners and secondary partners, and is valued as a stable, life-enhancing, explicit choice. A stable nonmonogamous system, based on a consensual agreement to be nonmonogamous, is satisfying to most members of the system, and possesses a very sophisticated negotiated structure.
In stable nonmonogamy, all members of the system manifest an ongoing involvement and investment in nonmonogamy. The benefits and problems are clearly discussed. When members of the system are engaged in multiple relationships, communication between them has been established. Partners who become chronically dissatisfied with nonmonogamy in this system either leave or are asked to leave. Rules and guidelines are explicitly developed, including a ranking of primary and secondary partners.
For other lesbians, nonmonogamy is an unstable relational system, which serves as a transition into or out of a primary commitment. Transitional nonmonogamy is not agreed on by all participants, is chaotic and has no rules. Participants usually express dissatisfaction. Transitional nonmonogamy is not chosen by all involved and creates opposition from some members of the relationship system. Lack of choice and feelings of victimization are prominent. There is often no communication between partners. Rules about primary/secondary rankings are nonexistent, covert, inconsistent or ambivalent.
Self-oriented nonmonogamy is a style that is an important vehicle for individual self-discovery and self-actualization. Some of the aspects that are highly affirmed from self-oriented nonmonogamy are autonomy, challenge of personal and social limits, creativity, and stimulation. Focusing on one’s own desires, values, and potentials defines this lifestyle. As a result of this emphasis, participants make commitments first to themselves and their needs. They tell their lovers their decisions rather than consulting with them first. This emphasis on the self makes defining primary and secondary relationships unclear because all decisions are made based solely on their own needs.
Couple-oriented nonmonogamy is a way to separate and individuate from a valued primary partner, while remaining committed to the relationship. This form of nonmonogamy occurs when, consciously or unconsciously, partners are dissatisfied within the primary relationship due to a merged couple system that results in the women not feeling special or sexual with each other. In couple-oriented nonmonogamy, clear primary and secondary roles are delineated as it focuses on differentiating and revitalizing the primary relationship. Primary partners are longer-term, less sexual, more familial, more accountable, and more of a responsibility than secondary partners. They are also consulted on all major relational decisions. Secondary partners are more transitional, more sexual, more emotional, less accountable and less of a responsibility than primary partners.
One important aspect that nonmonogamy encourages is helping to learn about boundaries in relationships. Setting relational boundaries (Kaufman, Harrison, & Hyde) can help lesbians who have been sexually, emotionally, or physically abused as children or who are adult children of alcoholics. They can use nonmonogamy as a way to development appropriate boundaries (Woititz). Nonmonogamy can serve as both explicit and implicit boundary setting in areas such as amount of time spent together, types of emotional experiences shared, and help defining social identity.
The desire for equal power among lesbians is a major difference between lesbian and heterosexual relationships (Peplau & Amaro). Lesbian partners who have relatively equal power are more satisfied with their relationships. Equality and inequality of power is an important dimension of nonmonogamy. Primary partners generally have equal decision-making power and are more satisfied; secondary partners have less decision-making power, and are less satisfied. Relatively equal power in decision-making and consensus about nonmonogamy is associated with higher satisfaction and a stable nonmonogamy system. Unequal power in decision-making and boundary setting, and lack of consensus regarding nonmonogamy, is associated with guilt, dissatisfaction, and more transitional style nonmonogamy.
Nonmonogamy is complicated and presents challenges. Many lesbian couples enter into nonmonogamy with a sincere desire to “open” their relationship based on feminist political values that “controlling” their partner’s sexuality is oppressive. Translating this theory into practice is difficult and creates challenges that are diffictult for many lesbian feminists (Nichols).
Nonmonogamy requires a significant commitment to the time and energy required to establish and maintain more than one sexual and/or emotional relationship. Lesbians who experience nonmonogamy as right for them report the benefits outweigh the obstacles it presents. These women acknowledge heightened sexuality, expansion of self-awareness, satisfying autonomy, and actualization of political values.
Nonmonogamy continues to be a highly charged issue in the lesbian community. It is considered by many as one of the most controversial topics regarding current lesbian sexuality (Nichols). As women examine their sexual and emotional options for relationships, many different versions of lesbian intimacy have begun to manifest. It is important that the lesbian community support the unique cultural vantage point of lesbians. The options available for lesbians to experience personal growth through interpersonal relationships provide many choices. This is both a privilege, in the expansive opportunity it implies, and a responsibility, in the special care needed to assess the impact of our behavior on others and ourselves.
