The Danger Of Merging

As lesbians, we too often have to hear this joke: Q: What do lesbians do on their second date. A: Go get the U-Hall. We are notorious for getting into relationships quickly. Why is that? Perhaps it has to do with merging.

Merging is being confused on where you end and the other person begins. This can happen without our knowing it and quickly at the beginning of a relationship.

I wonder if this doesn't happen for lesbians because we project ourselves onto another woman. Because we are "the same" it feels comfortable and makes merging more likely to happen.

Heterosexual relationships, being a man and a woman, provoke a different kind of experience. The projection of "the other" provides a separation rather that a merging. Even though heterosexual relationships can form quickly, the chances of actually merging seems less likely.

Does merging cause a threat to the long-term success of a lesbian relationship? One of the problems in the lack of differentiation of partners is the need that arises after the relationship has been established for being individuals. This requires that the woman have a strong sense of Self. Otherwise, merging is bound to happen.

Young lesbians are particularly at risk for merging. They have more recently separated psychologically from their parents and are vulnerable to returning through merging in a relationship because of either lack or inexperience of knowing themselves. Sometimes this can be like having an idyllic connection like being in the womb. This is all unconscious but can be a projection that promotes merging within a relationship.

Being in a relationship consciously is a big responsibility and requires lots of effort. Merging can cause relationships to end when, for example, one person goes outside the partnership and has an affair with another woman. Or one partner simply leaves a relationship, driven by the need to get their individuality back.

Merging is dangerous to lesbian relationships and requires a lot of awareness and consciousness to avoid the pitfalls. Knowing yourself well is the best way to be able to have a healthy lesbian relationship. All we can do is try.

Relationship Ends

When a relationship ends, the grieving process happens no matter what the circumstances of the breakup are. The feelings of loss are present regardless of how the relationship ended. Endings and change bring loss and loss brings grief.

Some of us are extremely uncomfortable with these feelings. Everyone has moments when they don't want to deal with them. It is important to let ourselves experience all the feelings that come up or they will more than likely accumulate and cling onto other feelings of loss that we've had in the past that still linger in our psyches.

One of the main feelings of loss of a relationship is hurt. So many of us have had our feelings hurt as children and as adults. Sometimes it is difficult to know where the hurt is coming from. Is it the past or does it have to do with the current situation? Hurt is a normal feeling of loss that the heart experiences when change happens.

When we are in a relationship, no matter what the quality of that relationship is, our hearts open up to the other person. Intimacy, trust, and love all make us vulnerable to ourselves and the other person. When that person is no longer there, we are left feeling even more vulnerable.

If the feelings are not felt, they can turn into anger. This kind of anger is a protection from all the vulnerability that we don't know how to deal with. This can lead to all kinds of projection on the other person. One of the symptoms of protective anger is blame. Another is changing the past to reflect only negative things. Another is to hang onto little annoyances and make them big. All of these activities of the mind help protect us from feeling loss.

Another common way to avoid feelings of grief is to get immediately involved in another relationship. In this scenario, we don't have to feel the uncomfortable feelings because we are attaching to someone else. Falling in love is a lot more exciting than healing from the relationship we have just disassembled.

Feeling loss can bring with it the experience of helplessness and of being alone and not in control. It can make us feel little, like a child. It is important when these feelings come up to remember the choices we have made or that we have now. This will remind us of our strength.

We can feel all the feelings and still stay empowered in the present. This requires us to steadily allow and monitor all the feelings that come up for us. Sometimes the mind will try to distort the hurt feelings of grief to cover up the feelings of sadness. It is important the not let our minds run the show.

Ending a relationship is difficult no matter whether you are the one who left or the one who was left. It is difficult to understand the meaning of why it happened until much later. Initially though, we can expect grief. How we deal with it is what matters.