Family constellations among lesbian-and-gay-parented families are largely quite different from the heterosexually-parented nuclear family. Our conventional notions of a parenting family contains many presumptions: that there will be two parents, that they will be one of each gender, that they will be romantic partners of one another, they will live under one roof, that they will both be biologically related to the children they raise, and that they will be recognized legally as a family.
This is a model which applies to no lesbian and gay parented families. Gay and lesbian parents are families with one, two, three, or even four parents. Sometimes there are no men among the parents, sometimes there are no women. Sometimes there are men and women but they are not romantic partners of each other. Some families intentionally comprise more than one household. Sometimes both biological parents are included in the family and sometimes not. Often there is a biological parent who is not a family member at all. Usually there is at least one parent who has no biological relation to the child. And perhaps most important, there is most always a parent-child relationship that the law does not recognize or protect.
By this time, the ability of lesbian and gay parents to provide just as adequately as heterosexual parents for the social and emotional health of their children has been documented repeatedly in the research literature. In order to interface effectively with these families to truly meet their needs in this culture we have to go beyond a tolerance for their alternative format and radically discard to Mom-and-Dad nuclear model as any kind of standard. We must accept the premise that it is the quality of care, and not family constellation which determines what is optimal for children's healthy development. We must further learn to identify who actually is and isn't a family member based on the loving bonds of responsibility that have been both intended and fulfilled and not on any biological, legal, or conventional definitions of what is a family.
The fact that these families are thriving despite tremendous social obstacles is admirable. They have largely done their own advocacy and absorbed the difficulties as individuals. Our hopes for every member of these families is to be optimally cared for medically and educationally, the rights of children living in these families to be protected so they do not lose a parent due to homophobia and heterosexist definitions of family and that more and more people will be proactive about safely increasing visibility for them. Their visibility will help change the stereotypes and hysteria that affect our culture, and make our institutions more realistic and compassionate.
