Intimacy is usually thought of as being close, sharing, and feeling loved, understood, accepted, known, and appreciated. The experience of this gives a warm and fuzzy feeling. Intimacy can also feel hot and agitated and can include negotiating differences and fighting.
Some lesbians were brought up in homes where confrontation and acceptance didn't go together. Others were raised within an environment where fighting fractured any positive sense of intimacy.
This can be a problem in a relationship. Often partners may avoid confrontation and intimacy out of discomfort or fear of losing what closeness they have. Several things need to be considered to allow trust and balance to exist in a peaceful way in a relationship.
One factor that seems to go hand in hand with this issue is allowing each person to be who they are without trying to change them. In accepting our partner for who she is, we can give her understanding, freedom and support for being herself.
Another important factor in promoting intimacy is learning how to listen to each other. Active listening in a relationship, where you can both hear the other's position while keeping track of your own, greatly enhances intimacy.
Learning how to resolve differences in a healthy way is crucial to having true intimacy. If you have not had a good model for this, as many of us haven't, it could be very useful to seek couples counseling or a group to learn these skills.
In focusing on understanding of and comfort with the normal fluctuations in emotional distance that occurs in relationships, we need to accept the differences inherent between partners to increase the chances of meaningful intimacy. Even with understanding, good skills, and a good level of translating skill into action, couples need to intentionally create a climate that offers a good chance for intimacy to thrive.
