What About Lesbian’s Kids?

My son showed me a letter from one of his high school teachers. He had asked her for a letter recommending him to National Honor Society, which exemplifies excellence in scholarship, leadership, character and service.

The letter was glowing. As I read the first page I was pleased me to see how well she had recognized his dedication, passion and spirit. When I got to the second page, however, I found myself stuck on a paragraph so troubling that all I could do was read and re-read it.

“…sometimes his peers have ridiculed him for unconventional domestic living arrangements. It appears to have made him stronger and yet he seems to not turn cold to the humans who surround him.”

I was dismayed and concerned. As a psychotherapist and a parent, I had always paid close attention to my son’s emotional development. My primary focus for the seventeen years I’d been a mother was to provide a healthy, steady, loving environment for my son.

As I read her statement again, I became painfully aware of the challenges children who have “different” living situations must face. They are constantly dealing with the ignorance and prejudicial attitudes of society.

There are many children who fall into this category. Consider the children who are not Christian who are inundated with all the activities of the Christmas season? What about children whose parents have divorced have two families with which they are navigating back and forth? What about children of different or mixed races or religions? What about children who had a parent die? What about children who are adopted? What about children whose mother conceived them through artificial insemination? These children do not have a choice. They need to be supported and encouraged to be themselves not to be defined by circumstances.

Just as I was gathering my senses to call the teacher to discuss her perceptions (and beliefs about them), the mail arrived. On the front cover of Newsweek magazine was Melissa Etheridge and her pregnant partner with the caption: “CAN GAY FAMILIES GAIN ACCEPTANCE/ WHAT IT’S LIKE FOR THE KIDS”.

The article by Barbara Kantrowitz talked about the emergence in the last few years of gay parents who are coming out of hiding and finding a place for their families in the mainstream. She estimated that there were 6 million to 14 million children in this country with at least one gay parent.

I jumped to the part of the article that addressed the effect of a lesbian lifestyle on the kids. Kantrowitz said, “There are no long-term studies available of what the effects of growing up in such a family might be. In a comprehensive 1992 summary of studies of gay parenting, it was concluded that the children are just as well adjusted (for example, they do not have any more psychological problems and do just as well in school) as the offspring of heterosexual parents.”

I decided to talk this over with my son before calling his teacher. I wanted to get his input. He told me that his teachers had expressed the most negativity about his living situation. His peers were quite accepting because he was. Well-meaning teachers had offered comments to him over the years including suggestions like his “needing male role models” because of his ‘home life’.” He had found this humiliating.

“Actually,” he said, “I am very grateful that you are a lesbian. You have the courage to be who you are, so I can too! I don’t even have to question whether or not you’d approve of whoever I am. That is a tremendous freedom that most of my friends don’t have.”

I decided to mull the situation over for a few weeks. I knew I could find an approach to communicating my viewpoint that would be constructive and have a positive outcome with his teacher.

During this time I ran across a sentence in a movie review by Mona Smith. “Within the Native American community, homosexuality was traditionally associated with the power to bridge worlds.”

I was struck by the truth of these words. They began to help me relax into a deeper understanding about the opportunity these children from not-the-norm homes could provide for people who either had not encountered or given thought to their circumstances. These children really did have the power to bridge worlds by bringing more consciousness about “diversity” out into the open.

When I reached a space within myself where I felt no animosity, anger or point to prove, I knew I was ready to discuss the letter with his teacher. I decided to start our conversation at the place where we were in alignment: concern for my son’s emotional well-being. Through our compassionate and honest conversation we both agreed that unexamined judgment creates fear and separation. Humanity’s hope for change can come through the children who know and live the oneness of diversity.
I know that my son and other children like him, simply by being who they are, are offering the world a powerful and vitally important chance to understand, experience new awareness and accept another definition of “family”.