Time To Pause and Consider

I was touched by a recent article called Losing my religion for equality... written by former President Jimmy Carter ( who was president of the United States from 1977 to 1981) for the Women's Press, January 25, 2013. It is an honest plea to respect and treat women with equality and give us basic human rights. I encourage you to pause and consider...

I HAVE been a practicing Christian all my life and a deacon and Bible teacher for many years. My faith is a source of strength and comfort to me, as religious beliefs are to hundreds of millions of people around the world. So my decision to sever my ties with the Southern Baptist Convention, after six decades, was painful and difficult. It was, however, and unavoidable decision when the convention's leaders, quoting a few carefully selected Bible verses and claiming that Eve was created second to Adam and was responsible for original sin, ordained that women must be "subservient" to their husbands and prohibited from serving as deacons, pastors or chaplains in the military service.

This view that women are somehow inferior to men is not restricted to one religion or belief. Women are prevented from playing a full and equal role in many faiths. Nor, tragically, does its influence stop at the walls of the church, mosque, synagogue or temple. This discrimination, unjustifiably attributed to a Higher Authority, has provided a reason or excuse for the deprivation of women's equal rights across the world for centuries.

At its most repugnant, the belief that women must be subjugated to the wishes of men excuses slavery, violence, forced prostitution, genital mutilation and national laws that omit rape as a crime. But it also costs many millions of girls and women control over their own bodies and lives, and continues to deny them fair access to education, health, employment and influence within their own communities.

The impact of these religious beliefs touches every aspect of our lives. They help explain why in many countries boys are educated before girls; why girls are told when and whom they must marry; and why many face enormous and unacceptable risks in pregnancy and childbirth because their basic health needs are not met.

In some Islamic nations, women are restricted in their movements, punished for permitting the exposure of an arm or ankle, deprived of education, prohibited from driving a car or competing with men for a job. If a woman is raped, she is often most severely punished as the guilty party in the crime.

The same discriminatory thinking lies behind the continuing gender gap in pay and why there are still so few women in office in the West. The root of this prejudice lies deep in our histories, but its impact is felt every day. It is not women and girls alone who suffer. It damages all of us. The evidence shows that investing in women and girls delivers major benefits for society. An educated woman has healthier children. She is more likely to send them to school. She earns more and invests what she earns in her family.

It is simply self-defeating for any community to discriminate against half its population. We need to challenge these self-serving and outdated attitudes and practices - as we are seeing in Iran where women are at the forefront of the battle for democracy and freedom.

I understand, however, why many political leaders can be reluctant about stepping into this minefield. Religion, and tradition, are powerful and sensitive areas to challenge. But my fellow Elders and I, who come from many faiths and backgrounds, no longer need to worry about winning votes or avoiding controversy - and we are deeply committed to challenging injustice wherever we see it.

The Elders are an independent group of eminent global leaders, brought together by former South African president Nelson Mandela, who offer their influence and experience to support peace building, help address major causes of human suffering and promote the shared interests of humanity. We have decided to draw particular attention to the responsibility of religious and traditional leaders in ensuring equality and human rights and have recently published a statement that declares: "The justification of discrimination against women and girls on grounds of religion or tradition, as if it were prescribed by a Higher Authority, is unacceptable."

We are calling on all leaders to challenge and change the harmful teachings and practices, no matter how ingrained, which justify discrimination against women. We ask, in particular, that leaders of all religions have the courage to acknowledge and emphasise the positive messages of dignity and equality that all the world's major faiths share.

The carefully selected verses found in the Holy Scriptures to justify the superiority of men owe more to time and place - and the determination of male leaders to hold onto their influence - than eternal truths. Similar biblical excerpts could be found to support the approval of slavery and the timid acquiescence to oppressive rulers.

I am also familiar with vivid descriptions in the same Scriptures in which women are revered as pre-eminent leaders. During the years of the early Christian church women served as deacons, priests, bishops, apostles, teachers and prophets. It wasn't until the fourth century that dominant Christian leaders, all men, twisted and distorted Holy Scriptures to perpetuate their ascendant positions within the religious hierarchy.

The truth is that male religious leaders have had - and still have - an option to interpret holy teachings either to exalt or subjugate women. They have, for their own selfish ends, overwhelmingly chosen the latter. Their continuing choice provides the foundations or justification for much of the pervasive persecution and abuse of women throughout the world. This is in clear violation not just of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights but also the teachings of Jesus Christ, the Apostle Paul, Moses and the prophets, muhammad, and founders of other great religions - all of whom have called for proper and equitable treatment of all the children of God. It is time we had the courage to challenge these views.

TRANSFORMING THE HOLIDAYS

When I think of Christmas, the first picture that comes into my mind is a candlelight church service when I was 5 years old. My mother is playing the organ. She is seated in the front of the church in an elevated position at the center of everything. I am trying my best to sit still with the other angels in the front pew so as not to knock off my halo. My sister has the serious look of a child with too much responsibility as she watches over the plastic baby Jesus. My brother saunters aimlessly down the aisle carrying one of the gifts of the Wise Men, with pubescent disinterest. His size 13 tennis shoes and white socks stick out from underneath his burgundy choir robe. My dad is sitting way in the back of the church and when the singing stops, to my mother’s horror, everyone hears him snoring.

I was always confused but curious about my mother’s sense of atonement to her Protestant Mid-Western church. For example, why did she play the organ every Sunday for over 30 years without missing even once? As a child, I wasn’t aware that the beliefs being passed down from the church were having such a strong influence in shaping my consciousness and life. What, you may ask, does a budding young feminist lesbian, growing up in a small rural farming community in the center of the country glean out of her early Christian indoctrination?

First and foremost, I learned to sacrifice myself. (My mother exemplified this virtue to the highest.) The more I made others happy and gave myself up, the better I was liked. Taking care of myself was considered selfish. The important thing was what others thought and needed. Many models showed me time and again how the less I knew about my feelings, the better I could tune into others’ needs.

This led to the next lesson: the necessity of being “nice”. Being nice was a requirement for girls and women. Boys and men appeared to have an entirely different value system and set of behaviors they seemed to follow. With my feelings squelched and my needs buried, I gave in and lived as a chameleon.

When I paid total attention to others, I received high praise. I began to believe that I could actually anticipate people’s needs before they knew they had them. I thought I could even read their minds. I became skilled at the fine art of being aware of everything that was going on with other people. On the one hand, the more I sacrificed myself, the more praise I received. This gave me the illusion of having power and worth. On the other hand, by giving myself up, my self-esteem did not develop identity, power, or worth.

I learned the seriousness of never telling anyone anything my family. This necessity of secrets created a gigantic chasm between my unknown inner life and the extreme focus on the external I was being taught. I knew from an early age that my belonging or being forever rejected by my family demanded meticulous diligence. The only outcome I could imagine if I wasn’t perfect with these expectations would be that my family or I would probably die. I could not take that risk.

The world felt too confining and oppressive for my young spirit. Rules, shame, guilt and belittling were the foundation of my life. I did not resonate with the teachings that had evolved from the religious doctrine that had become a way of life for my family and the community we lived in. They had been handed down from generation to generation without question. I became increasingly aware of how this way of living distanced people from themselves, each other and me. I was being weighed down by the burden of all this, believed I had no worth, felt belittled as a female and overpowered as a child.

Like most little Christian children, I associated Christmas with Santa Clause and getting presents. I made no connections with the birth of Jesus or even church as having any bearing on my holiday. I totally missed the essence this annual ritual had within the life of the church.

I was 5 years old and it was Christmas Eve. I was anxiously anticipating going to my aunt and uncle’s house for candy, presents and Santa. Everyone was getting ready to go to church. I did not want to go to church and try to sit still and keep my wings and halo intact. I didn’t want to put on a dress. The only thing that got me out of the house was being allowed to wear my red cowboy boots. “Why do we have to go to church tonight?” I asked. “For your mother”, my father replied, “We’ll go and have Christmas as soon as church is over.”

That night I had a full-blown experience of the shallowness and lie of Christmas. We finally got to my aunt’s house. I remember being upset after awhile when my father disappeared. I could tell many of the adults and older kids thought my distress was cute and funny. When Santa knocked on the door and came in wearing my father’s glasses, I was not fooled. I felt as though I had been punched in the stomach. I vividly remember this incident as the first time in my life I felt I had been lied to, betrayed and abandoned. I would not accept the present he offered me. I lost my Faith that night.

After that, I never trusted my family or the church again. Of course, I had to go through the motions in order to survive. My questions and doubts, that had no place in their world, became part of my secret inner life. In my sacred inner universe there was enormous potential for bigger beliefs, truth, total acceptance and unconditional love. So, at an early age I became a seeker. In hindsight, I am glad the unbearable tension existed because it makes me grateful now that I had enough tenacity and courage to walk away on my own path.

I was determined to sort out my own beliefs. I had no idea how long it would take me to dig deep enough to readjust the very dirt around the roots of those foundational beliefs, but my commitment was passionate and pure. After many years of searching, I realized that the majority of what I learned in my youth, including my choices, perceptions, values, and my ability to protect and take care of myself, were all distorted. This ingrained way of thinking had, in fact, created the unhealthy patterns that caused me the most difficult and pain in my adult life while challenging, testing and helping me grow.

It is no wonder that people feel so much stress around the holidays. Do we have to leave our healthy selves at home and act like our families think we should? Do we have to spend our holidays separated from our partners because of our families' unresolved feelings and judgmental attitudes? Do we have to lose our voices, ignore our feelings, have no needs, or pretend we are not ourselves?

I face the upcoming holiday with dragging feet. I feel it would be impossible for me now to re-create the outdated, unhealthy rituals from my childhood. I want to celebrate humanity and all the spiritual beliefs in the world. I want to joyously love with an open heart. I long to be with people who see, appreciate and enjoy me for who I am. I want to be with my partner, feeling relaxed and safe, knowing without a doubt we are not in an environment where people are pretending to accept and respect our relationship.

I want to take a walk in the snow, really experiencing the Spirit of the season. In the silence, when the moon reflects on the sparkling snow, in my lover’s smile, I need to be able to connect my inner essence with all that is. I want to forget everything I ever learned and abandon myself to the profound love that is Greater than me. Then, and only then, will I celebrate the true meaning of the holiday.

I intend to spend the entire season looking at the world through my own eyes. I want to listen to myself, stay true to my own beliefs, love and be loved, give and receive graciously. I look forward to being grateful and feeling the wonder of being alive. I want to experience the incredible abundance of joy and light that exists. I do not want to be worrying if my halo will fall off. It already has!

What About Lesbian’s Kids?

My son showed me a letter from one of his high school teachers. He had asked her for a letter recommending him to National Honor Society, which exemplifies excellence in scholarship, leadership, character and service.

The letter was glowing. As I read the first page I was pleased me to see how well she had recognized his dedication, passion and spirit. When I got to the second page, however, I found myself stuck on a paragraph so disturbing that all I could do was read and re-read it.

“…sometimes his peers have ridiculed him for unconventional domestic living arrangements. It appears to have made him stronger and yet he seems to not turn cold to the humans who surround him.”

I was shocked and concerned. As a psychotherapist and a parent, my son's emotional development had always been a priority. My primary focus for the seventeen years I’d been a mother was to provide a healthy, steady, loving environment for my son.

As I read her statement again, my awareness expanded to include the challenges for all children who have “different” living situations. These children have to constantly deal with the ignorance and prejudicial attitudes of people and society.

There are many children who fall into this category. What about children whose parents have divorced and have two families with which they are navigating back and forth? What about children of different or mixed races or religions? Consider the children who are not Christian who are inundated with all the bustle of the Christmas season? How about the children who have had a parent die? What about children who are adopted or in foster care? What about children whose mother conceived them through artificial insemination?

Don't people realize that these kids are who and where they are because of adults' decisions? The children had no choice. They need to be supported and encouraged, not defined, judged and ostracized by their circumstances.

I was trying to calm down and collect my thoughts and feelings when the mail arrived. On the front cover of Newsweek Magazine was Melissa Etheridge and her pregnant partner with the caption: “CAN GAY FAMILIES GAIN ACCEPTANCE/ WHAT IT’S LIKE FOR THE KIDS”.

The article, by Barbara Kantrowitz, spoke of the emergence of gay parents who are coming out of hiding and attempting to find a place for their families in the mainstream of society. She estimated that there were 6 million to 14 million children in this country with at least one gay parent.

I jumped ahead to the part of the article that addressed the effect of a lesbian lifestyle on the kids. Kantrowitz said, “There are no long-term studies available of what the effects of growing up in such a family might be. In a comprehensive 1992 summary of studies of gay parenting, it was concluded that the children are just as well adjusted (for example, they do not have any more psychological problems and do just as well in school) as the offspring of heterosexual parents.”

As I thought about children living non-traditional lifestyles and the challenges they face, my curiosity about my son's experiences increased. I needed to hear from him how he had been treated by teachers, peers and other adults, his feelings, and how he had handled them. He was very open about sharing with me that through the years his teachers had been the most uncomfortable with his living environment. None had been direct with him, but many had inferred their critical opinions through puritanical expressions of pity or concern. Well-meaning teachers had offered comments to him over the years such as his “needing male role models” because of his ‘home life’.” He had found this humiliating. His peers had always been quite accepting, he felt, because he was.

“Actually,” he said, “I am very grateful you are a lesbian. You have the courage to be who you are, so I can too! I have no doubts about whether or not you would approve of whoever I am or whatever choices I might make in my life. That is a tremendous freedom that my friends don’t have.”

I was deeply impressed with my son's awareness that other people's opinions were about them. His maturity and wisdom in the face of these challenges inspired me. I was still upset and knew that I needed to work through my feelings. I had a strong desire to understand what this situation had triggered in me and to resolve it inside myself. Only then could I even begin to find an approach of communicating my concerns with his teacher or anyone, that would be constructive and have a positive outcome.

Why had this teacher's letter put me into such a defensive stance? Was I being insensitive on the other end of the spectrum, assuming that the people my son encountered in the world would be as open and comfortable with my lifestyle as I am? Is the only way to help our children thrive in society at this time to try to mainstream and copy a traditional family? Isn't this giving our children the message that they are not okay, or that the adults they love have something wrong with them? What can we, as parents and adults in contact with children from diverse backgrounds and situations do to support these societal challenges we all face?

During this time I ran across a sentence in a movie review by Mona Smith. “Within the Native American Community, homosexuality was traditionally associated with the power to bridge worlds.”

I was struck by the truth of these words. They brought me into a deeper understanding about the opportunity for awareness these children from "not-the-norm" homes were providing. People who either had not encountered or given thought to the children's circumstances were coming face to face with a new world. The changes in our global community were making the beliefs about "us and them", being "different", and discriminating against someone who is not like yourself, obsolete. These children really did have the power to bridge worlds by bringing consciousness about “diversity” out into the open.

When I got to the place within myself where I felt no animosity, anger or point to prove, I was ready to have a dialogue with my son's teacher. I decided to start our conversation at the place where we were both totally invested: concern for my son’s emotional well-being. Through our compassionate and honest conversation we both agreed that unexamined judgment creates fear and separation. Humanity’s hope for change can come through the children who know and live the oneness of diversity.

I know that my son and other children like him, simply by being who they are, are offering the world a powerful and vitally important chance to understand their judgement about people who are different from themselves. Those who are open enough to face the challenge of change and the new awareness that brings, will move us all closer to another definition of “family”.