As lesbians, we too often have to hear this joke: Q: What do lesbians do on their second date. A: Go get the U-Hall. We are notorious for getting into relationships quickly. Why is that? Perhaps it has to do with merging.
Merging is being confused on where you end and the other person begins. This can happen without our knowing it and quickly at the beginning of a relationship.
I wonder if this doesn't happen for lesbians because we project ourselves onto another woman. Because we are "the same" it feels comfortable and makes merging more likely to happen.
Heterosexual relationships, being a man and a woman, provoke a different kind of experience. The projection of "the other" provides a separation rather that a merging. Even though heterosexual relationships can form quickly, the chances of actually merging seems less likely.
Does merging cause a threat to the long-term success of a lesbian relationship? One of the problems in the lack of differentiation of partners is the need that arises after the relationship has been established for being individuals. This requires that the woman have a strong sense of Self. Otherwise, merging is bound to happen.
Young lesbians are particularly at risk for merging. They have more recently separated psychologically from their parents and are vulnerable to returning through merging in a relationship because of either lack or inexperience of knowing themselves. Sometimes this can be like having an idyllic connection like being in the womb. This is all unconscious but can be a projection that promotes merging within a relationship.
Being in a relationship consciously is a big responsibility and requires lots of effort. Merging can cause relationships to end when, for example, one person goes outside the partnership and has an affair with another woman. Or one partner simply leaves a relationship, driven by the need to get their individuality back.
Merging is dangerous to lesbian relationships and requires a lot of awareness and consciousness to avoid the pitfalls. Knowing yourself well is the best way to be able to have a healthy lesbian relationship. All we can do is try.
1 comment:
Hello, my comment is more of a question. My of 3 years and partner of 7--I am a man--has recently left me for a lesbian. She was always bi in the "let's have fun sex way" (here words) but as she recently felt like we were have a major lack of emotional connecting in the past year--I lost my job and became a little more focused on earning money/searching and she did not work but had a bit of an internet addiction--she went to a club with a friend and there the girl she is now living with, made some passes at her, exchanged numbers and voila: 3 months later, they have both left their respective partners (well, the lesbian-gal was kicked out) and they have just started to live together (2 weeks). I am of course DEVASTATED!! This is my wife's first emotional relationship with a woman. My wife is, to say the least, quite weak-willed--she loses herself in stronger people. Right now, she feels she is in love. The former girlfriend of the girl my wife is living with tells me she takes people emotionally and sexually hostage and then while drunk creates horrible scandals and cheats. Perhaps she will be different with my wife as she tend to be the a very fem, very beautiful woman. My question: what are the chances my wife will return? I am currently doing NOTHING to try; we had been going to a marriage counselor--as my wife was still determined to save our marriage--until her friend was tossed out and then she changed her mind and decided to try with her; she just up and left one day, two weeks ago. What are the chances--and I do hope this happens--that the merging process will start and does it have the potential to destroy their relationship? I am sorry but I am NOT in the Mother-Theresa stage/mumbo-jumbo frame of mind where I want to wish them well. I want my wife to be hurt by this girl and to return to me so I can nurture her/help her overcome and we can continue to try to have the children we hadn't yet had.
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