EMOTIONAL DEPENDENCY AND INDEPENDENCE

The concepts of emotional dependency and independence are at the core of the stereotyped assumptions about women and men in our culture. Dependency is devalued and pathologized. It is linked with symbiosis, weakness, passivity, immaturity, and is attributed to women, children, and persons perceived as inadequately functioning. Independence, on the other hand, is highly valued. It is linked with autonomy, strength, taking action, and maturity and is attributed to men, adults, and individuals who are perceived as fully functioning.

This kind of polarization makes it difficult for women and men to accept any dependent feelings realistically and to depend on each other empathically. It also complicates the acceptance of independent feelings and goals in women and retards the development of interdependence among women.

The transition of women from dependent and limited functioning to fuller and more independent functioning is slow and complex. As women, most of us have gone through periods when we've shed the protective and immobilizing ties that keep us from full functioning, only to discover that the new freedom is terrifying. We have not yet developed the skills or the strength to make full use of new opportunities. The learning or relearning is slow, frustrating, and painful. Even more, we long at times for the familiar comfort of the ties that keep us immobilized.

When we can place our ability to give to others at the core of who we are, we can also recognize the legitimacy of our own needs. When we value the help we give, our interdependence, we can more easily ask for help and trust each other. When we cherish our ability to meet the needs of others, our dependability, we are better able to express our own needs, our dependency, and to take care of ourselves, to be independent.

In today's world it is absolutely essential that all of us, women and men, take responsibility for being aware of our human relationship needs and that we be mindful of our own and our planet's vulnerability. Our survival depends on learning to interact in a mode of equality and interdependence.

Developing Interdependence

The concepts of dependency and independence are at the core of the stereotyped assumptions about women in our culture and particularly lesbians. Growing up in a world where these stereotypes are taught from birth brings many challenges to understanding and relearning new perspectives. Learning to live them consciously in a society that still unconsciously believes in the view that men are independent and women dependent takes a lot of work.

We live in a society where dependency is devalued and pathologized. It is linked with symbiosis, weakness, passivity, immaturity, and is attributed to women, children, and persons perceived as inadequately functioning. Independence, on the other hand, is highly valued. It is linked with autonomy, strength, taking action, and maturity and is attributed to men, adults, and individuals who are perceived as functioning fully.

This kind of polarization and stereotyping makes it difficult for all women to accept our dependent feelings and depend on each other empathically. It also complicates the acceptance of our independent feelings and goals and retards interdependence among women.

Lesbians tend to identify with the independent roles in what feminist theoreticians and clinicians see as an androcentric value system that regards independence and autonomy as masculine traits. Lesbian relationships are effected by this identification and can become difficult if one partner shows any signs of dependency or independence, or if both are acting independently and are unable to receive or ask for help.

Our striving toward balance or interdependence would be healthiest to find ourselves bringing both dependency and independence together on a continuum. Bringing them together could be seen in an individual whose independence encompasses the ability to be interdependent, that is, to depend on others and to be depended upon in a manner that is equally respectful of the needs of self and others, as well as being appropriate to the situation.

In this value system dependency is no longer perceived as a regression to infantile functioning, as feminine passivity, as weakness, or as a pathology. Independence would not be seen as positive attributes given only to men in our culture. A middle ground for both men and women would be allowed to develop and achieved.

Developing this balance is especially important for lesbians because our natural proclivity is toward the independent end of the continuum. Independence is well within our comfort zone and is reflected in the way we approach feelings of neediness or helplessness. These uncomfortable feelings make it challenging to accept our vulnerability.

When we can place our ability to give to others from the core of who we are, we can also recognize the legitimacy of our own needs. When we value the help we get and the help we give, our interdependence, we can more easily ask for help and trust ourselves and each other. When we cherish our ability to meet the needs of others, our dependability, we are better able to express our own needs, or dependency, and to take care of ourselves, to be independent. As lesbians, it is important to learn and develop the awareness and skills to interact in a mode of equality and interdependence.