Should gay marriage be legal? Some Pros

As of May 10, 2012, gay marriage has been legalized in the following eight states: Massachusetts (May 17, 2004), Connecticut (Nov. 23, 3008), Iowa (Apr. 24, 2009), Vermont (Sept. 1. 2009), New Hampshire (Jan. 1, 2010), New York (June 24, 2011), Washington (passed Feb. 14, 2012; effective Jan. 1, 2013) Maryland (passed Mar. 1, 2012; effective Jan. 1, 2013) and the District of Columbia (Mar 3, 2010). 31 states have constitutional amendments banning gay marriage.

Proponents argue that same-sex couples should have access to the same marriage benefits and public acknowledgment enjoyed by heterosexual couples and that prohibiting gay marriage is unconstitutional discrimination. Opponents argue that altering the traditional definition of marriage as between a man and a woman will further weaken a threatened institution. I have gathered together some pros to the question of if gay marriage should be legal:

1) Two people of the same sex who love each other should be allowed to publicly celebrate their commitment and receive the same benefits of marriage as opposite sex couples.

2) There is no such thing as traditional marriage prevalence of modern and ancient examples of family arrangements.

3) Gay marriage is protected by the Constitution's commitments to liberty and equality. The US Supreme Court declared in 1974's Cleveland Board of Education v. LaFleur that the "freedom of personal choice in matters of marriage and family life is one of the liberties protected by the Due Process Clause."

4) Denying same-sex couples the right to marry stigmatizes gay and lesbian families as inferior and sends that message that it is acceptable to discriminate against them.

5) Gay marriages can bring financial gain to state and local governments. Revenue from gay marriage comes from marriage licenses, higher income taxes and decreases in costs for state benefit programs.

6) Gay marriage will make it easier for same-sex couples to adopt children.

7) Marriage provides both physical and psychological health benefits and recent research suggests that refusing to allow same-sex couples to marry has resulted in harmful psychological effects. The American Psychological Association, American Psychiatric Association and others wrote in a Sep. 2007 amicus brief, "...allowing same-sex couples to marry would give them access to the social support that already facilitates and strengthens heterosexual marriages, with all of the psychological and physical health benefits associated with that support."

8) Allowing same-sex couples to marry will give them access to basic rights such as hospital visitation during an illness, taxation and inheritance rights, access to family health coverage, and protection in the event of the relationship ending.

9) Marriage in the US is a secular and dynamic institution that has gone under several major transformations. Interracial marriage was illegal in many US states until a 1967 Supreme Court decision. 

10) Legalizing gay marriage will not harm heterosexual marriages or "family values." A study published on Apr 13, 2009 in Social Science Quarterly found that laws permitting same-sex marriage have no adverse effect on marriage, divorce, and abortion rates, or the percent of children born out of wedlock.

11) Massachusetts, which became the first state to legalize gay marriage in 2004, had the lowest divorce rate in the country in 2008. Its divorce rate declined 21% between 2003 and 2008. Alaska, the first state to alter its constitution to prohibit gay marriage in 1998, saw a 17.2% increase in its divorce rate. The seven states with the highest divorce rates between 2003 and 2008 all had constitutional prohibitions to gay marriage.

12) If marriage is about reproduction, then infertile couples would not be allowed to marry. Ability or desire to create offspring has never been a qualification for marriage. George Washington, often referred to as "the Father of Our Country," did not have children with his wife Martha Custis, and neither did four other married US presidents.

13) Same-sex marriage is a civil right. The 1967 Supreme Court case Loving v. Virginia confirmed that marriage is 'one of the basic civil rights of man," and same-sex marriages should receive the same protections given to interracial marriages by that ruling.

The Birth Mother

"Birth mothers" are women who have surrendered their babies for adoption. They have often experienced excruciating and recurrent pain. It is not unusual to hear these women say, "I'll never get over it," "I think of my child frequently," or "I'll never forgive myself."

Many women who have surrendered a child are plagued by low self-esteem and mood disorders. Having given up a child for adoption is perceived by many birth mothers as negatively influencing marriage or partnership and parenting. It remains an overriding issue of conflict and intra-and inter-personal difficulty years later.

It can be expected that a woman who surrenders a child for adoption will experience sadness and loss. These women are more likely to turn grief and loss inward to depression that outward in the expression of anger. Four characteristics commonly identified with their depression are: vulnerability to loss, inhibition of action and assertion, inhibition of anger and low self-esteem.

If we recognize that the birth mother's difficulties in coping with the consequences of having surrendered a child for adoption are intimately linked to women's development in a sexist society, we must then ask how mental health professionals can work with women to enable them to feel more empowered to cope with these issues.

The therapist needs to support, encourage and participate in the active and multifaceted bereavement process of the client. The birth mother grieves not only for the loss of her child, but often for the loss of self-esteem, the loss of support from significant others, and the loss of her expectation about what her life would otherwise be like.

The relationship between the birth mother and her child does not end when she surrenders it for adoption, and the grief and bereavement of the birth mother is an ongoing process. Major events in the birth mother's life (marriage, birth, death, Mother's Day, menopause, etc.) or major events in the child's life (birthdays, starting school, reaching the age of 18, etc.) may rekindle the sorrow. Although the birth mother may not actually know the significant events in her child's life, she may have fantasies about these events.

In order to grieve, the woman needs to remove the shroud of denial and secrecy concerning the birth and surrender. Often this occurs for the first time within the safety of a caring therapeutic relationship, in which the birth mother is encouraged to talk about her expectations and her ongoing relationship with her child.

To alleviate the birth mother's distress caused by issues of grief, shame, guilt, and anger, it is essential that the birth mother enter into a caring, empathetic, and mutually empowering therapeutic relationship. This relationship will provide the opportunity for her to see herself as a person who is capable of giving, of nurturing, and of "mothering" herself and others.