The concepts of dependency and independence are at the core of the stereotyped assumptions about women in our culture and particularly lesbians. Growing up in a world where these stereotypes are taught from birth brings many challenges to understanding and relearning new perspectives. Learning to live them consciously in a society that still unconsciously believes in the view that men are independent and women dependent takes a lot of work.
We live in a society where dependency is devalued and pathologized. It is linked with symbiosis, weakness, passivity, immaturity, and is attributed to women, children, and persons perceived as inadequately functioning. Independence, on the other hand, is highly valued. It is linked with autonomy, strength, taking action, and maturity and is attributed to men, adults, and individuals who are perceived as functioning fully.
This kind of polarization and stereotyping makes it difficult for all women to accept our dependent feelings and depend on each other empathically. It also complicates the acceptance of our independent feelings and goals and retards interdependence among women.
Lesbians tend to identify with the independent roles in what feminist theoreticians and clinicians see as an androcentric value system that regards independence and autonomy as masculine traits. Lesbian relationships are effected by this identification and can become difficult if one partner shows any signs of dependency or independence, or if both are acting independently and are unable to receive or ask for help.
Our striving toward balance or interdependence would be healthiest to find ourselves bringing both dependency and independence together on a continuum. Bringing them together could be seen in an individual whose independence encompasses the ability to be interdependent, that is, to depend on others and to be depended upon in a manner that is equally respectful of the needs of self and others, as well as being appropriate to the situation.
In this value system dependency is no longer perceived as a regression to infantile functioning, as feminine passivity, as weakness, or as a pathology. Independence would not be seen as positive attributes given only to men in our culture. A middle ground for both men and women would be allowed to develop and achieved.
Developing this balance is especially important for lesbians because our natural proclivity is toward the independent end of the continuum. Independence is well within our comfort zone and is reflected in the way we approach feelings of neediness or helplessness. These uncomfortable feelings make it challenging to accept our vulnerability.
When we can place our ability to give to others from the core of who we are, we can also recognize the legitimacy of our own needs. When we value the help we get and the help we give, our interdependence, we can more easily ask for help and trust ourselves and each other. When we cherish our ability to meet the needs of others, our dependability, we are better able to express our own needs, or dependency, and to take care of ourselves, to be independent. As lesbians, it is important to learn and develop the awareness and skills to interact in a mode of equality and interdependence.
